Buddies
by AngelisticSatan
Summary: Castiel Novak wakes in a bed with no recollection of the past or how he got there. The only thought he does have is of a certain Dean. Dean Winchester.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Dean and Cas have been friends since they were children but the last memory Cas has is of when they were 14, 10 years ago.

They both like each other but are stupid enough to not do anything about it.  
Ratings might change as the story moves forward.

Please review. :)

Castiel woke up with a start. He had no idea what woke him but he knew he sure as hell wouldn t be able to go back to sleep now that he was awake. Sighing, he rolled over to check the time. See how long he had before he had to get up for school. 3 am. He could sleep for another 3 hours. If he could fall asleep that was. Suddenly his eyes fell on the date. 5 June 2016. Weird. He was sure he went to sleep in 2006. Maybe Gabe was pranking him again. But his phone was new and definitely not the one he used. He started to panic. How could he have lost 10 years of his life? That couldn t be possible.

He did the only thing he could think of. He got dressed and went to look for Dean. Sure it was the middle of night but Dean Winchester had been his friend since they had been 4, which was apparently 20 years ago now, and he was sure Dean would help him out. Only, he wasn t sure if Dean still lived where he lived 10 years ago. He d just have to try his luck.

Castiel walked to Dean s street. It was a cool night. Perfect to walk and get his thoughts in order before he went about waking anyone up. As he reached Dean s street, he saw Baby, Dean s 67 Impala, parked outside his house. That was a good sign, Dean still lived here.

Castiel walked up to the door trying to gather courage before knocking. He had no idea how Dean would react to his being here. In middle school they had been inseparable but he had no memory of what happened in the 10 years since. Had Dean found about his crush and they stopped talking? Were they still friends? He started to panic. What if Dean slams the door in his face? What if Dean still doesn t want to talk to him? What if? Finally, what seemed like an eternity later, Castiel knocked once on the door. If no one opens he told himself, I ll go back. Seconds passed and no one came to open the door. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the lock turn. The door opened and he saw the greenest pair if eyes in front of him. Dean still looked the same, but with more of those gorgeous freckles. He was also more muscular. God, he looked HOT. Castiel stood there mesmerised as he tried to think what to say. Hus brain stopped working the moment he saw Dean standing in front of him. Bed hair, sleepy expression, looking like he always did. He stood there gaping at Dean, opening and closing his mouth, unsure of what to say, when Dean broke the silence.  
Cas? That you buddy? He asked in a deep, rough voice. That voice did things to Cas that he couldn't possibly explain. How could someone be so perfect in the middle of the night he wondered.  
Before Castiel could reply, a sleepy girl with red hair came to the door. Was that his girlfriend? The mere thought broke his heart. "Who is it, Dean? Who woke me in the middle of the night?"


	2. Chapter 2

When Dean went to open the door he had no idea who it could be in the middle of the night. Not Sam because he was still at college with his girlfriend and they weren't coming to visit for at least another month. Who could possibly be knocking at this ungodly hour, Dean would give them a piece of his mind. Who ever Dean thought it was, he never in a million expect to see the pair of blue eyes he loved so much. Those deep blue eyes that seemed to see right to your soul and the permanent messy bed hair are what had Dean falling for the angel standing on his door in the first place. But it had been 10 years now. He wondered what could Cas possibly want from him. He and Cas had been best buddies till middle school. Then Dean realized he liked the guy more than a friend and to make sure no one knew, he along with his friends started to bully Cas. Now Cas wouldn't even look at him and Dean knew he had pushed him away. He missed his friend but wouldn't say it to anyone.

"Cas? Is that you buddy?" he asked just to be sure. Just then his roommate, Charlie came out asking who wanted their asses kicked at this hour. Cas looked at her and squinted his eyes, tilting his head, like he was confused. Although he looked more angry than confused. "Umm, Charlie, this is Cas. Castiel. And Cas this is my roommate Charlie."

"Cas? This is Cas? Gorgeous. If I was into men I wouldn't let him go", she said, and with a wink she left the two to talk among them. Dean wasn't sure what to say. It had been so long and all his feelings had come rushing back when he saw Cas on the door. "Come on in", Dean invited Cas. "You look like you could do with a cup of coffee." Dean led Cas to his kitchen, unsure of what to say and started making coffee when Cas spoke up. "You're probably wondering why I'm here" he said in the deep, gravelly voice of his. It was so unexpected but still made his knees go weak on hearing Cas' voice. "Yeah" said Dean. "We didn't exactly part on good terms."

Cas tilted his head in confusion again and said, "That's kind of what I want to talk to you about. What exactly happened in the past 10 years?"

"What do you mean, Cas? What do you mean what happened in the past 10 years?" Dean was confused. Why was Cas asking about the last 10 years? Did he not remember? Was this some kind of a joke? What was going on? There were so many questions Dean wanted to ask but Cas was talking to him and hr didn't want to overwhelm him with those questions. He waited for Cas to explain what he meant. He looked at Cas and noticed he was looking pale and before Dean knew what happened, Cas fell to the ground, fainted. Shit. Dean hurried across the kitchen to Cas' side. He picked him up bridal style and carried him to the couch, worry etched over his face. Just as he was about to set him down, Cas came to with a groan.

Cas had been thinking how to explain to Dean what was happening when he himself had no idea when he had fainted. He had no idea how long it had been when he came to but when he opened his eyes all he could see was green. Dean's eyes he realized. That was the green of his eyes. As his mind cleared a bit he noticed Dean looked worried. That helped a bit, knowing that even after 10 years Dean still worried about him. If Dean still worried nothing too bad could have happened between them. Right?

"I'll get you some water" said Dean and with that he disappeared into the kitchen. When Dean was gone, Cas sat up straight on the couch and took deep breaths trying to figure out what to say. By the time Dean came back with a glass if water, Cas had made up his mind. He would just start speaking and make up as he went along.

"Dean-" he started, but Dean interrupted him. "Cas, drink water. We'll talk after you're feeling better. I'll get you something to eat." Dean made him a sandwich and while eating, Cas started to explain what had happened.

"Dean, I have no memory of the last 10 years. The last thing I remember is going to sleep at your place because no one was at my house in 2006- that was middle school, Dean- and the next thing I know is that I wake up in the middle of the night and it is 2016 and I've lost 10 years of my life and-" Cas broke off. He was shaking and his face was red and tear stained. He felt like he was suffocating and couldn't breathe. He was having a panic attack. In front of Dean. Gosh he was so weak!

Suddenly, a pair of strong hands wrapped him up. Dean was sitting beside Cas on the couch and was hugging him. Dean's apple pie scent enveloped him and he started to feel instantly better. They stayed like that for a long time. Cas' head was resting on Dean's chest and he had wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, holding him tight. Dean had rested his chin on Cas' head. One hand was cradling Cas' head and the other rubbing his back. It felt safe. Safe and familiar. Finally when Cas felt a bit composed, he pulled back and wiped his face. "I'm sorry I ruined your night, Dean. I was scared and didn't know who else to turn to. I'm glad you still live here and you're still the same. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Relax, Cas. Let's get some rest first. We'll talk in the morning, okay?"

"Okay, Dean. As you say."

Dean cleaned up the kitchen and led Cas to the guest bedroom. When Cas got settled, Dean said, "Cas, I'll be right across the hall if you need anything. I don't care if I'm asleep, wake me, okay?" Cas nodded and with that Dean went to his room. Although Cas was tired, he couldn't go to sleep. It was almost daylight and he couldn't stop thinking about the way Dean's arms felt around him. About the way he could hear Dean's heart beat strongly or about the apple pie smell he associated with Dean. He didn't know when he fell asleep but he dreamt of apple pies and green eyed men that night.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean couldn't go back to sleep. He was the reason Cas wasn't friends with him anymore and he felt guilty about treating him like that. Knowing that Cas came to him the first thing, that Cas' first thought had been of him, made him feel even worse. He had seen the pain in Cas' eyes all these years and he had been the reason for his tears, how could he look Cas in the eyes and tell him what had happened? Through out high school, Dean had tormented Cas and made fun of his sexuality, all the while hiding his feelings behind the façade of a bully. He had never told anyone the complete truth. The most even Char knew was that Dean had been crushing on Cas since forever and they had had a falling out and didn't talk anymore, but she didn't know why. All she knew was that Dean still lov- liked him. He knew he'd lose both of them if they found out the truth. Dean lay on his bed as waves after waves of guilt crashed over him and before he knew it was 10 am. Time to face Cas if he was awake. He rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face.

When he was done, Dean went down and saw Cas in the kitchen making pancakes and coffee for all three of them. With an apron tied around his waist and a smear of flour on his cheek, Cas looked exactly like Dean wanted to see him for all their lives together. And he probably ruined it forever.

After a breakfast of Charlie's constant yet covert teasing and making Dean uncomfortable, Charlie excused herself mumbling something about some work to do for tomorrow. Dean and Cas were all alone and an awkward silence settled on them.

"So, umm, Cas", Dean began, not entirely sure where he was going with this. "About those ten years, umm, we kind of had had a huge falling out right after the time you left my place that you remember and, umm, I don't remember what it was about and we stopped talking, and it was my fault completely and I never had the courage to look you in the eyes and apologize and well, umm, now that you're here and there's not gonna be a better time, Cas, will you forgive me for whatever I did? Because seeing you here again made me realize how much I missed my best friend and I want you back" Amazing, Dean. Lying right through your teeth, not telling him the truth. Great way to start afresh. Ugh. But he just couldn't tell him right away. He couldn't. With teary eyes, Dean looked up at Cas and what he saw broke his heart. Cas looked to devastated and broken, again, because of him. Dean wanted it to stop, he went over and hugged Cas, hoping it would make it better. He hated these chick flick moments, but for Cas? He'd do it over and over again.

Saying that Castiel felt shocked would be an understatement. Dean's words made him go cold. What could have possibly happened that would make them fight so bad that they hadn't talked in 10 years? Did Dean find out? No, it couldn't be. Why would Dean say it was his fault? Not knowing what happened broke his heart. He was trying not to cry in front of Dean when he felt Dean wrap his arms around Cas. "Shhh.. Cas, it'll be fine. I'm here now and we'll start over, okay?"

Cas nodded into Dean's chest. "I- I'm sorry we fought. I don't want to lose you, Dean." He mumbled so softly he didn't think Dean would have heard. After Cas calmed down, he and Dean cleaned up the kitchen and went to sit on the couch. After a while of sitting in silence, Dean spoke up, "We had stopped talking after middle school. I don't remember what I did exactly but after that, I never had the courage to look you in the eye even for a second. I barely graduated high school and started working for Bobby at his garage. Sammy went to Stanford on a full scholarship and I was living alone for a while. Then I met Charlie. She had just broken up and was looking for a place to stay and she's been living here since then. I- I missed you, Cas, and I would like it if we could start over" Dean's voice broke at the last part and Cas himself had tears in his eyes. How could he not give Dean another chance?

"Dean, I wish I could also tell you what I've been doing for the past ten years, but yes, I'd very much like it if we started over."

They spent the rest of the day talking about everything Dean had been up to, and soon Charlie joined them too, making fun of Dean and having a laugh in general. That night Cas felt better than he had in the past twenty four hours and when he went to bed, he couldn't wait to see Dean again.


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel woke the next day feeling refreshed and excited. He couldn't wait to spend the day with Dean and Charlie. Although Cas had insisted against it, both Dean and Charlie had taken time off their works to spend time with him and help him get back on his feet again. After freshening up and taking a shower, Cas wrapped a towel around his waist and went to his room to look for clothes to wear. After the better part of an hour and raiding his closet, Cas decided on a pair of blue jeans and a faded black tee. Cas looked in the mirror and felt pleased. Both the jeans and the tee fit perfectly and were tight in all the right places, making him look more muscular than he already was. When he was ready, Cas grabbed his phone and saw a text from Dean. _Good morning, Cas.. Charlie and I have decided to get you up to date with all the amazing movies you have missed out on. Can you stop by the bakery and get some chocolates? Thanks. Can't wait to see you ;)_

Dean couldn't wait to see him. With a winky face. Did Dean mean it the same way Cas meant it or was he reading too much into the message? No. Dean was straight. At least he was till middle school. But surely, Dean didn't mean anything by it. Sighing internally Cas grabbed his keys and locked the door behind him. He knew the way to the bakery Dean was talking about, there was only one after all. Cas replied to Dean's message while he walked to the bakery. **Good morning, Dean. I'm leaving for the bakery. Should be reaching your place in 30 mins. Seeya soon :D**

Castiel got the bakery and got some chocolates for all three of them. As he was paying, his eyes fell on some pie and knowing Dean's love for pie, he bought a cherry pie as well. He paid for the chocolates and pie and headed towards Dean's house. Grinning widely, he walked to the door and before he could knock, the door was opened by Charlie who was grinning wider than Castiel, if it was even possible. "Welcome to our homey abode, Bitch", she greeted him in a cheery voice and pulled him inside, all before he could process what was going on.

Inside, he saw that the couch in front of the tv was piled with pillows for them. Dean was in the kitchen from where Castiel could smell popcorn. He followed Charlie into the kitchen and handed her the chocolates. He was wearing sweats and a tee shirt, making Cas seem ove4lr dressed. "I bought you pie, Dean." Cas could see the change in Dean's posture at the mention of pie. Dean turned around, his green eyes shining bright, and hugged Cas tight "Cas, man, I love you, thanks for the pie" and took the pie from his hand. Cas couldn't help but smile at his childish excitement over pie and feel happy about making Dean happy.

"If you two are done in there, we have movies to watch. Come on out already!" called Charlie. Cas grabbed the bowl of popcorn while Dean got the pie and they headed out to the couch. Charlie was sprawled on one end of the couch, with the bag of chocolates in her lap, leaving not a lot of space for Dean and Cas to share. Cas thought about offering to sit on the chair but decided against it. He liked being near Dean, and if Dean didn't have a problem with it, neither did he. Once they were all settled, Charlie turned on the movie-Pirates of the Caribbean: Dean man's chest. Beside him, Dean leaned back against the back of the couch, their shoulders brushing against each other, and spread his arms on the back. Cas wanted nothing more than to lean against Dean but he controlled himself, having no idea how he would react. The three of them spent the entire day watching movies.

When Dean got to the couch, he saw Charlie sprawled on one end of the couch. He knew what she was doing. She was purposefully taking up all the space so that he and Cas would be forced to sit close together, and although Dean didn't mind it in the least, he gave Charlie one of Sammy's patented Bitch faces. To that, Charlie spread out even more and mouthed to Dean, "Thank me later, bitch." Dean found it surprising that Charlie, being so small, could take up almost all of the couch to herself. How could such a tiny person spread so much, he couldn't for the life of him guess.

Dean sat in the middle of the couch with Charlie on one side and Cas on the other. When the movie began, Dean spread his arms on the back of the couch and lay back as relaxed as he could be with Cas so close to him. Through out the movie, Dean was hyper aware if how close he and Cas were. It was torture. Slow, sweet torture. Having Cas so close to him and not being able to do anything. When Cas leaned across Dean, grabbed a chocolate from Charlie and started to slowly nibble on it, Dean could think of at least a hundred other things Cas could do with his mouth. Thank God for the pillow in Dean's lap, otherwise Cas would have surely noticed how hard he was getting. Wearing sweats was a bad idea.

Around 2 in the afternoon, Dean's stomach grumbled loudly making Cas snort with laughter. God, that sound. "Anyway, it seems that my stomach requires some worshipping. I'm gonna make us some sandwiches. Charlie, get some juice out of the fridge. Cas slice the pie." With that, Dean got to up to go to the kitchen. Charlie and Cas followed him to finish their designated tasks as well. He was taking out the stuff out of the fridge when Charlie came behind him and gave him a knowing wink. Before any of them could say anything, Charlie turned back with the juice. On her way to the table, she bumped into Cas, spilling some juice on to his tee. "Shit, Cas! I'm so sorry" Although if her grin was anything to go by, Dean was sure she did it on purpose. Cas, being ever so sweet said, "Don't worry, Charlie, it'll dry in a bit, then I'll change at home."

"No, Cas. It's not alright. Here, Dean will give you one of his tees. Won't you Dean? I mean you're almost the same size and all." Charlie was giving him those damn puppy eyes again. How could he say no to those?

"Yeah. Sure. Cas, why don't you go upstairs, I'll be with you in a minute."

Cas nodded and went up the stairs. Dean turned to Charlie who was giving him a shit eating grin. "What did you do that for?" Dean demanded. The last thing he needed was to see Cas in his clothes. Charlie grinned even wider, if it was even possible. "Oh Dean. Just go. You never know what might happen. Let the Queen of Moondor pair you up. Now off you go, handmaiden. You have work to do." She said with a wink.

Dean knew fighting this side of Charlie was impossible so he sighed. "As you wish, your majesty."

He left the kitchen and went upstairs into his room to get Cas a shirt. He grabbed the first one he saw, a blue button down, which he knew would compliment Cas' eyes. Sighing, he turned and went to the guest room where he knew Cas would be. Dean knocked before entering and stood there shocked. Sure Dean had imagined Cas half-naked, more than half naked too, but God was he unprepared for this sight. Dean had always thought he had a great body, but Cas. Cas put him to shame. Cas had a perfectly toned body. Lean and muscular. Dean wondered if he felt as firm as he looked. He wondered what Cas' body would feel like under his own. Dean's eyes took in every inch of Cas' exposed skin. His eyes traced the shape of his collarbones, down to his broad chest and his nipples. Dean wondered if they were sensitive and how Cas would sound when he kissed them. His eyes roamed further to the trail of dark curls leading to his cro-

 _Stop right there, Dean. You don't want to pop a boner in front of Cas like this._ As if on cue, he felt himself getting hard. Shit. Dean took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened his eyes he saw Cas looking at him with his head tilted adorably and a small smile playing at his lips. Blushing, Dean handed him the shirt and turned to leave when he heard Cas say, "Thank you, Dean."

Dean rubbed the back of his neck and replied, "Yeah, Cas. Anytime." With that, Dean went downstairs to make their sandwiches when he saw Charlie holding a plate in her hands and a wide smile plastered on her face. Shit, he forgot Char was here too. "I didn't know how long you two lovebirds would take so I took the liberty to make us some sandwiches."

"Thank you, Charlie." Said a gravelly voice behind him. Dean turned to see Cas standing there, in his shirt, looking hotter than humanly possible. It was going to be a long day.


	5. Chapter 5

That day after Cas left, Dean cornered Charlie in her room to scold her for her childish behaviour. "Why'd you spill juice over him on purpose, Char?" he demanded.

"Oh _come on,_ Dean. You're telling me you did _not_ enjoy the little show I set up for you? I might not swing your way but I know eye candy when I see it and Cas looked absolutely delicious in your clothes. And judging from your reaction when you came back down, you thought so too." Charlie replied with a smirk.

"Char, I'm so far gone I ALWAYS think he looks hot and anyw- wait. WHAT? What reaction?" Dean stuttered, confused.

" _Seriously,_ Dean?" Charlie rolled her eyes. "Sweats don't exactly hide that kind of reaction." Most of what she said was muffled by the pillow Dean threw at her. He huffed and went into his room while Charlie called after him, "You can thank me later!" laughing at Dean's reaction.

Dean was now lying on his bed in boxers and a tee shirt. Cas had gone home around an hour ago and they had made plans to meet the next day. His talk with Charlie made him wonder if Cas also knew of his not-so-secret, secret crush. It had been a long day, with Cas unknowingly teasing him and Charlie making all sorts of inappropriate, sexual jokes all day long, talking about stuff he would want to do to Cas. It hadn't helped that he had seen Cas half naked and THEN in his tee. His tee that was slightly loose and whenever Cas stretched, Dean could see a sliver of his waist which he'd be more than happy to pepper with soft kisses. _Crap._ Just the thought of Cas was getting him hard again.

Sighing, Dean gave in to his aching dick. This case of blue balls was too much to handle. He slid his hand inside his boxers and rubbed his length thinking of how Cas' body would feel under his. He was already dripping pre cum and pleasurable shocks passed through him as he swept his thumb on the head of his dick. He thought of the feel of Cas' lips all over his body while one hand kneading his balls and the other pumping fast. Cas' lips on his dick. Cas calling out Dean's name in his deep, gravelly, lust filled voice. He could feel the pressure building in his stomach and all too soon Dean came with a cry of _Cas_ on his lips, dripping white liquid spilling all over his hands and stomach.

It was embarrassing how fast he came and he felt guilty immediately afterwards. Cas had been through so much and he had turned to Dean for comfort. Not to be sexualised and jacked off to. Dean cleaned up and lay back down on his bed. _How would I look Cas in the eyes tomorrow or any day after? Cas doesn't need me lusting after him. Cas needs support and here I am busy jacking off to him because I am too weak to keep my not so little crush in wraps._

 **But he is so perfect. With his perfectly sculpted body, those forearms, those full, kissable lips and that ass. Damn. It's not your fault you're smitten.**

 _It's not his fault either. What would he think if he knew what all we've done in my mind?_

Dean had made up his mind. He will have to act normal in front of Cas. He couldn't let Cas know something was wrong.

Finally after a long time of tossing and turning and scolding himself for his actions, Dean fell asleep. He had no idea what the time was when he was woken by the sound of his phone vibrating on his table.

"Hey, Cas. What's up? Are you fine?" he heard Dean ask through the phone. He wasn't fine. Far from it actually. But he didn't know how to tell Dean what happened. Not without revealing his MASSIVE crush on Dean since middle school.

"Actually, Dean, forget it. I'll see you in the morning. Good night, Dean." Castiel now felt stupid for calling Dean in the first place. It was stupid to be upset over such a little issue.

Cas had gotten home feeling really happy. He had spent the entire day with Dean and Charlie and he no longer felt so overwhelmed as he did when he realized he remembered nothing after middle school. He was in a good mood until he opened his door. His house was trashed. Every thing he owned, and stuff he didn't know he owned, it was all broken. And that was just at first glance. He noticed a sheet of paper stuck on his couch with a broken shard of glass.

 _Castiel, hide it all you want, deny it all you want. I swear one day I will find proof of your obsession with your not-so-secret-crush, Dean and destroy your new found 'friendship' with him. Faggots._

 _Xoxo. You know who I am._

The problem was Cas didn't know who it was. Maybe if he hadn't lost his memory, he'd know. But right now, he didn't.

He slipped past the door frame and went inside. The entire house was in the same condition. There was no way he could stay there at night. He wasn't sure he even wanted to stay alone that night.

Finally, he took a deep breath and headed back to Dean's place. He would just say he needed company. He wouldn't be able to tell Dean what happened but maybe Charlie? Surely, she could keep a secret, right? He'll just have to try, again. With resolve he turned around and walked back to Dean and Charlie's place. By the time Castiel reached their street, he was shivering. Not because of the cold. It was June and even the nights were warm. No, he was shivering because of anger and panic and helplessness. He had no idea who did it or why they did it. He had no idea who to talk to. He had no idea who his friends were anymore. He felt alone and lost. He knocked on Dean's door and waited for someone to open the door. The longer it took for them to answer the door, the worse he felt and by the time Charlie opened the door he was a shivering, crying mess curled up in front of their door.

" _Holy shit!_ Cas! Are you fine? No. Wait. You're _not_ fine because if you were you wouldn't be crying. Shit. What happened Cas? Dean? DEAN WINCHESTER GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!" Charlie blabbered. She bent down to talk to Cas and pulled something out of his hand. He stiffened. The note. Dean couldn't see it.

"DEAN WINCHESTER DO NOT MAKE ME COME UP THERE AND DRAG YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN!" Charlie shouted before turning to read the note she took from Cas' fist.

"Woah, Char. What's got your pa- Shit! Cas! What happened? Are you gonna be fine? Here buddy look at me." Dean said softly. Cas didn't realise he had shut his eyes. He opened them and saw green. His mind was still foggy but green made him feel less panicked. Green. Those were Dean's eyes. It was weird how calm Dean made Cas feel. Dean had wrapped his arms around him and after a while he asked, "Cas, you think you can get up and come inside?" Castiel nodded but when he tried he couldn't move. So Dean being the gentleman he is, carried Cas inside and got him to the couch. Cas was sure that by now Charlie had read the note and was afraid she would say something to Dean about his crush but thankfully she slipped the note in her pocket and kept quiet about it.

Dean got up and got a cup of coffee for Cas and quietly sat down next to him. "You wanna tell us what happened?" he asked in the same soft voice he used earlier. After everything that happened, it shouldn't be turning Castiel on so much to just listen to Dean talk. Taking a deep breath, Castiel told them what happened. Some of it at least. He told them how his house had been trashed and he told them he found a note calling him a faggot. He didn't tell Dean, however, what else was written on the note, nor that the note was currently with Charlie.

By the end of the story Dean looked appalled and Charlie was downright furious. Castiel was sure if they would go and beat the jackass. After a while of angry ranting, Dean finally turned to Castiel and asked "Do you need to stay here tonight?"

Castiel nodded and Dean set him up in the guest bedroom. Dean gave him a tee to change into and changed, Castiel got into bed. Dean was about to leave when Cas called him and said, "I can't be alone tonight. Please stay."

Dean thought about it for a moment then nodded and got into bed with Castiel, wrapping him up in his arms till he Castiel fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a bad idea and Dean knew it even as he agreed to share the bed with Cas. He knew it even as he woke up in the morning, Cas clinging to him like he might disappear into thin air. He looked so calm, free even, when he slept that Dean had to fight the urge to kiss the top of Cas' head. _'Bad idea Dean. Keep it in your damn pants for once!'_ He hated it when his brain was right.

Dean got up and pried himself out of Cas' grip and went downstairs to find Charlie in the kitchen making- no, burning- their breakfast. Dean went to get a mug for coffee when Charlie noticed him and jumped right out of her skin. "Dammit, Dean. Announce yourself next time." Charlie scolded Dean, looking flustered.

"My my. Well if it isn't Charlie I-can-deal-with-anything-and-everything Bradbury who is so flustered. What's got your panties in a bunch, Char?" Dean asked not even trying to hide his smirk.

"Nothing umm... I was just... Umm.. Thinking about some stuff- Cas you're awake! Feeling better?" and with that Charlie left to fuss over Cas. Cas with his amazingly permanent sex hair and the gravelly voice that did things to Dean and that was so not the point right now. Charlie. Yes. Huh. Weird. She never dodges the question. Something was wrong ever since Cas showed up last night. First Charlie literally hid the scrap of paper from him and now this.

He decided to let it go and made breakfast for everyone. Breakfast was somehow awkward and by the time it was over, Dean could feel waves of relief radiating from everyone. Just then his cell began to ring and he saw it was a call from Sammy.

"Hey Samsquatch. What's going?" he asked, glad for the distraction while Charlie and Cas did the dishes.

"Hey Dean." Dean could practically HEAR the bitchface Sam was making at his greeting. "I- uh- I was wondering would it be fine if- uh- HEY!" the phone was apparently snatched from his hands because the next moment he could hear Jess on the phone "Dean. We are coming over this weekend and we know it is last moment but please bear with us. Moose over here misses his brother like crazy and we have something we want to tell you and I don't think I can take much of his grumpiness a day more. Seeya Dean!" and hung up.

Wow.

He turned to see both Cas and Charlie looking at him for some explanation. "Fine" huffed Dean. "Sammy and his girlfriend and coming this weekend."

Charlie let out an excited shriek and HOLY CRAP the woman was loud.

"Oh my God it is going to be so much fun DEAN I MISSED YOUR GIANT BROTHER SO MUCH IT IS SO COOL THEY ARE COMING HERE-" Dean cut off her rambling by telling her "to take a deep breath or be locked in her room for the entire time Sammy will be visiting"

It did the trick and Charlie calmed down a bit and Dean couldn't stop wondering what Sam and Jess had to tell him.

Pretty much rest of the day was spent following Charlie's orders in preparation of Sammy's sudden visit and Dean didn't have much time to think about Char's weird behaviour.

Dean was in the kitchen unable to decide what to cook for dinner so he thought he'd ask popular opinion. He heard Charlie's excited voice coming from upstairs so he followed it to Cas' room. He pushed open the door and looked inside. Cas looked like he just came out of the shower, his hair was still wet and a few drops of water trailed down his body and he was just about to wear a tee shirt so he was still pretty much half naked which did things to Dean he didn't want to think too much about. The two seemed to be in deep conversation which stopped abruptly when he entered with Charlie saying "Think about what I said."

"Uhh.. Guys, what should we have for dinner?" Dean asked, choosing to ignore their behaviour or Charlie's comment.

They had decided to order pizza and while they waited for the pizza, Dean made them watch Dr. Sexy or something like that. "I'm getting him up to date with all the latest shows, Charlie" he had said. Castiel's attention was somewhere else altogether. He couldn't stop thinking about what Charlie had said to him just a while back.

'He likes you too Castiel. More than just a friend. He's liked you since before you guys stopped talking and he likes you now.'

Those words. Dean likes him too. Dean with his green eyes and freckles and bow legs and all his perfection, likes him back. For more than 10 years. All this while Cas never guessed. At least he didn't know of it in the time he remembered.

Pizza arrived and they ate it while watching Dr. Sexy that Dean loved so much but Castiel couldn't pay attention to it. Dean had called his name thrice before he realised he was being spoken to. "What were you thinking of so intently, Cas?" he asked seemingly concerned.

"Just stuff" he tried to be nonchalant and Dean seemed to have bought it because he didn't say anything else. Charlie gave him a look he couldn't decipher but let it go too.

Night came with an overwhelming wave of emotions so when Dean went to sleep, Cas invited him again to spend the night. He needed Dean to be close. Dean made him feel safe and calm and he needed it.

Dean got into bed and wrapped Castiel into his arms, a sense of warmth enveloping Castiel like a safety net. Unable to sleep he turned towards Dean and said softly in a low voice, "Dean. Talk to me. I can't sleep." Their faces were so close that Cas could kiss him without having to move an inch. He could feel Dean's breath on his face and his heartbeat quicken when Cas talked to him.

"What do you want me to say Cas?" Dean's breath hitched as he asked in a voice so low that Cas couldn't help it as all the blood in his body flowed south and if Dean's half lidded eyes with his blown pupils were any indication, he was having the same reaction to their closeness. Cas' eyes flicked to Dean's parted lips and before he could think himself out of it, Cas closed the pretty much non existent distance between their lips and kissed Dean. Dean looked surprised for a moment and then kissed back with passion, as if wanting to make up for all the time they had lost. Castiel climbed on top of Dean, but didn't stop kissing Dean. He had been worth the wait but Castiel was done waiting and wanted Dean all to himself now.

 **A/N:** **FINALLY! Sorry it seemed rushed. So I got impatient. Sue me. Any ideas what Sam and Jess' big secret is?** **  
** **C'mon it's not that difficult to guess.** **  
** **Also, since they are together now, or at least kissed and made up, next chapter might get a bit smutty. Haven't made up my mind yet but most probably..**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: OVER 500 VIEWS! Thank you guys so much :* Love you all guys 3. Also sorry that it took longer to upload this one than usual but writing smut is hard. Lemme know if you don't like it or something, it's just my first try so hope you enjoy. Here you go**

Cas was lying on top of Dean, his dick hard against Dean's thigh. Dean shifted so that his own dick slid against Cas' sending shocks of pleasure up his spine. Cas moaned into his mouth in response causing his own dick to twitch in anticipation. Cas' hand came behind Dean's head and his fingers tugged at his hair and his other hand gently rubbed Dean's arm. Dean gripped Cas' hip tightly knowing it would leave a mark. Cas was slowly grinding against Dean, moaning and whimpering every time their dicks rubbed against each other. Cas untangled his hand from Dean's hair and slowly moved it down his chest, mapping every inch of it with his fingers, down to the hem of his shirt where he rested it against the skin of Dean's hip.

Dean whimpered, though he would deny it till the end of time, when Cas' hand touched his skin and he wanted more. Dean tugged at Cas' shirt and pulled it off in one fluid motion. His breath hitched when he saw Cas' unmarked skin and he wanted to leave a few marks of his own. Dean pressed kisses along Cas' jaw and dipped to his neck. He heard Cas' breathing become strained when he lightly sucked at his neck.

Dean hooked his ankle behind Cas' calf and flipped them over so that he was on top. Dean continued grinding against Cas and started kissing lower. He nipped at Cas' collarbone, down to his sternum. Dean took his nipple in his hand and rubbed the nub between his fingers. The sound Cas made was beautiful and Dean wanted to hear it again. His lips left Cas' sternum and attached themselves around his nipple and he slowly sucked and bit at it till Cas was a moaning mess. He removed his mouth from the nipple and the unsatisfied sound Cas made changed to a moan of pleasure- "DEAN-unh" when Dean paid attention to his other nipple in the same way. Dean started leaving open mouthed kisses lower and lower until he reached the trail of short dark hair leading to his dick. Dean hooked his fingers in the band of Cas' boxers when something occurs to him.

"Cas, am I – I mean, I don't – are you –"

Cas seemed to get the message through the stuttering and said, "Dean, this is not some one night thing for me. I want this now and I will want it always. Neither are you taking advantage of my vulnerability. Now less talk, more work." He sounded downright impatient and begging for it. Cas' insistence that it was not a one nighter or him taking advantage was good enough for Dean and he pulled down Cas' boxers in one fluid motion and took them off still kissing him hard. Cas slipped his tongue in Dean's mouth, rubbing the roof of his mouth which caused Dean to moan needily and grind his hips harder against Cas. Suddenly Cas sat up and looked at Dean with a frown on his face. "Too many clothes. You're wearing too many clothes." He looked as if the clothes had personally offended him. Cas wasted no more time to get Dean out of his clothes and before Dean could react, he had his mouth around Dean's dick, sucking the brains out of his dick while Dean began pumping a fist around his own. His mouth felt so good that it took all his will not to come already. The warmth. And then Cas slipped a finger up his ass, pushing right outside his hole and Dean moaned breathily. It wasn't long before Cas came with a totally pornographic moan around Dean's dick. The vibrations caused pleasure to soar up his spine and he had to bite on his knuckle to stay quiet. It was the best orgasm he ever had. And it was Cas' mouth that gave him the pleasure. Dean pulled at Cas' hair, pulling him in for a kiss. He could taste himself on Cas' tongue and it was the hottest thing ever. Dean had never kissed a partner right after a blowjob and this was not nearly as disgusting as Dean thought it would be.

Getting up, Dean grabbed a tee shirt from the floor and wiped them up before getting back in bed with Cas.

* * *

In Cas' memory, this was the first sexual experience he had had. And it was with Dean. And now they were cuddling in his bed, naked. Dean had curled himself up with Castiel and tucked his nose in Castiel's neck.

"Cas?"

"Yeah Dean?"

"Can we not tell anyone about us till I've told Sammy? I want to tell him before I tell anyone else."

Sure, Castiel wanted to tell the world he was with Dean but he supposed it could wait till Sam was told first. They wouldn't have to wait too long. Sam was coming over soon.

"Yes Dean. We can keep it a secret till then. However, it will be very difficult to do this." Cas bent and kissed Dean's nose and his lips, "whenever I feel like it" his hand which was resting on Dean's shoulder slipped down to grab Dean's ass which was rewarded by a whimper, "or keep my hands to myself all the time. Especially if you make noises like that."

Castiel looked down at Dean and saw that he had had the effect he was hoping for. Dean looked flustered and at a loss for words. He could do this more often. He bent down and kissed Dean.

"Goodnight Dean. Sleep well." He dropped his voice an octave which he knew Dean would go crazy over.

"Night Cas."

Castiel woke up the next morning feeling fresh, until he turned to his side and saw the bed empty of Dean. For a frightening moment he thought Dean had left, until he remembered it was HIS house and he would probably be in the kitchen making breakfast.

Sure enough when Castiel went down, Charlie and Dean were in the kitchen preparing waffles. Charlie seemed to be teasing Dean about something which made him blush and say threateningly, "Shut up Charlie." Only to be rewarded by a laugh and a pat on his back.

The rest of the day is spent doing nothing of importance, with Dean stealing kisses from Castiel whenever Charlie wasn't around. He felt so happy and could get used to living like this. It isn't long before Sam and his girlfriend come over on Saturday morning. And Castiel had been the one to open the door.

"Hey D- wait. You're not Dean." Sam looked at him with suspicion, his eyes narrowed. Sammy had gotten tall. It seemed just like a week ago when he was a chubby kid and now he was even taller than Castiel. Considering the girl at his side, he had done well for himself.

"Hey Cas. Who is it?" Dean called out as he came to the door. "Sammy! Hey!" Dean called out as he pulled his brother in for a hug. Sam looked even more confused than before if it was even possible.

"Wait. Cas? Like Castiel Cas? Like Dean's best friend Cas who we haven't talked in 10 years Cas?"

The confusion on his face made Castiel double up with laughter but before he could say anything a squealing streak of red came and latched herself on to Sam's shoulders, climbing on top it him like he was a tree.

"Nice to see you too Charlie." Jess laughed at Sam's expression. "Come on I'm hungry. Lets go eat something and then we'll catch up."


	8. Chapter 8

Breakfast was a happy meal. Dean couldn't have been happier to see his big little brother. Ever since their parents had died, Dean made it his responsibility to make sure Sam had everything he needed. And when Sam got a full ride to Stanford no one had been happier for him than Dean. Sure Dean felt sad that he won't be able to see his baby brother all the time but the pride outweighed the sadness.

Dean looked around the table at everyone there. He was surrounded by all the people he loved and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for any of them. Sammy was his younger brother and his girlfriend Jess who had better be Mrs. Winchester soon. Charlie was the sister he never wanted but he loved her just the same. And then there was Cas. His boyfriend. And despite their past, Dean lov- liked him more than anyone. He didn't love Cas. It was too early on their relationship for love. He liked him. A lot. But too early for love. Thinking of.

"Hey, Sammy. There's something I wanna tell you guys."

Sam looked at his older brother expecting the worse. Everyone turned towards him and his cheeks flushed at the attention. Dean turned to Cas and the both nodded at each other, acknowledging that it was time to tell everyone. Cas leaned in and whispered to Dean, "You can do this, Dean. And if you do it now, I might even reward you for it at night."

Dammit. Cas knew how nervous Dean was and knowing what lay at the end for them, Dean's nerves got worse. Taking a deep breath Dean calmed himself a bit and said, "I am in a serious relationship, Sammy." Everyone at the table stilled, shocked. Everyone knew Dean's affinity to one night stands so it was a surprise. Before anyone could say anything else or ask who it was, Sam spoke up, "Is it with Castiel? I don't really mind you know." Cas spit out the water he had been drinking and coughed.

"Yeah, how do you know?" Dean asked.

"Dean. I've been your brother all my life. I've seen and been a victim of all the eye sex you two had when you were friends and now after all this time he's back here and you're happy and in a relationship. Not to mention, you two still having eye sex and mentally undressing each other, even a blind person can tell you two are together. Congratulations by the way. I'm happy for the two of you."

Dean looked flushed. "We- we don't do that- the eye sex and mental undressing." He stuttered.

"Dean. You do. I saw it the first night Cas came over." Charlie spoke up, not wanting to miss out on a chance to see Dean flustered.

All that didn't get Dean bothered until Cas spoke up. "Dean, they are right. We do that. You wanna know what else I do to you in my mind?" his voice a low growl and his eyes looking at Dean all over. Dean choked on air and coughed making everyone else laugh.

"Right. Breakfast's over. Sammy, help me out. Cas and Charlie, enlighten Jess with all the embarrassing Sam stories she doesn't know." Said Dean, wanting to be alone with his brother for the talk that was to come. As they started with the dishes, Dean asked, "Sammy you fine with me being with a guy?"

"Dean, the moment I saw you today, I noticed a difference. You seem more relaxed and happier than I ever remember you being. And it's all because of Cas so despite your history, I'm happy for you guys. And no. I don't care he's a guy. He's good for you." Dean felt himself tearing up as he pulled his brother in for a hug.

Before it could get any more chick flick-y Cas came in with an angry pout on his face.

"Dean, you never told me Rhonda made you wear her pink satin panties when you were dating her."

Dean turned red with embarrassment and said, "I thought it was an embarrass-Sammy session not an embarrass-Dean session guys. I trusted you Charlie." With fake hurt on his face.

"Oooh guys look at Dean, pink as the panties he wore." Charlie squealed making everyone laugh.

"Anyway Sam, we're done here let's go outside with everyone." Dean said wanting to change the topic.

Everyone headed out to the backyard when Cas came up to Dean and whispered, "You like panties Dean? Why didn't you tell me? Don't you want to know what I'll do to you in those panties you will wear?"

Just the thought of it made Dean's dick twitch in anticipation. He took a deep breath as Cas laughed softly and kissed him on the cheek before they both joined everyone else outside.

"Sammy, what do you want to tell us?", Dean asked. "You better be putting a ring on that lady because if you don't I'll propose to her on your behalf and I'm sure she'll marry me on your behalf too." He teased his brother. Jess joined in on the fun, "Yeah Sam. I might just marry your handsome brother." She winked at Dean.

Cas gave Jess a look of mock anger and went and deposited himself in Dean's lap and kissed him deeply, "Mine." He growled at Jess. "You keep your Moose. Dean is mine."

"Aww aren't you two just adorbs." Charlie cooed. "Anyway, Sam you were telling us something."

"Yeah. Uhh. The thing is.. Umm. Jess?" he looked at Jess for help who was shaking with laughter. "Okay Sam. I'll help you. Dean. I'm pregnant."

* * *

Dean had teared up. He could try all he wanted but Cas saw it. He was tearing up at the thought of little nieces or nephews to play with probably. Cas hugged him and kissed his temple. Dean hugged back clearly thankful for the support.

"OhmygodJess!" that HAD to have been Charlie. "That is so amazing!"

Dean got up and hugged Sam and said, "I'm so proud of you Sammy. I can't wait for your kid to come along for me to spoil with all the amazing Uncle Dean love." Both brothers chuckled.

Cas was happy for Sam but it had been so long and Cas could feel the younger Winchester wasn't comfortable around him, so he excused himself and went to his room to check his phone. Over the past days he had been getting all sorts of crazy messages he ignored, mainly because his texts showed more of them over the years. Sure enough, there were more of the crazy messages. But those weren't the ones he wanted. He was waiting for a text from his brother. It wasn't the first time Gabriel had run off but this time Cas needed him more than before and he was getting worried about her brother with each day that passed.

He was looking at his phone as if it had personally offended him when a pair of arms wrapped themselves around his waist and soft lips attached themselves to his shoulder. Castiel turned around to face Dean and looked at him. Dean looked so perfect. Eyes green as fresh grass, tiny, pretty freckles dotting his face. His lips were full and soft and pink. He leaned in and kissed Dean's lips softly while wrapping his arms around his neck. Dean pulled him closer as he kissed back for a while, all previous thoughts forgotten. Dean pulled away after a while, breathless and rested their foreheads together.

"I'm about to be an uncle, Cas." He whispered and Cas was sure he heard some fear in his voice.

"Yes, you will. And a very good uncle at that too. You will spoil the kid like it's yours and the baby will love you. You will be the uncle who gets the kid whatever she or he wants. You will be the uncle who claps the loudest at their graduation and the uncle who they turn to when Sam and Jess say no to something. You will be the uncle they adore and the uncle who loves them more than their parents do. You will be the best uncle, Dean. You won't mess them up. So soon to be uncle, how about we celebrate your unclehood tonight with a bang?"

Dean looked a bit more confident. "Mmm celebration sounds nice. What do you have in mind? And don't forget, you get to be uncle to them too Cas."

"Yes I do. I was thinking of taking Sam and Jess to dinner at the fancy Indian restaurant down the street and after dinner, we could come home and have a celebration of our own." Cas winked as he nipped at Dean's bottom lip and squeezed his ass.

Dean raised an eyebrow at Cas. "Getting handsy, are we now? Better keep your hands to yourself Cas or I might not let you touch me tonight."

Cas knew Dean didn't mean it but let go with a poorly imitated hurt expression. "You can't do that Dean. I won't let you. Now go downstairs and tell everyone of our plan. It's my treat tonight and don't try to talk me out of it or pay yourselves. This is my way of saying thanks for all you guys have done for me."

"Fine. I won't stop you. But I will pay you back tonight in a different way." Dean said with a wink, dropping his voice an octave.

With a last kiss Dean went down to tell everyone of the plan and Cas stared at him still shocked at Dean's promise, but in a good way.

After a while of looking at his phone and waiting for Gabe's text, Cas went downstairs too. The lost years were still boring a hole in his mind but he tried to ignore it, concentrating instead of what the others were doing. Dean ad Charlie were sitting on the couch while Sam and Jess shared a chair. Dean looked 'pink as the panties he was wearing' according to Charlie and everyone was laughing. Cas watched them for a while, not wanting to interrupt the family time but soon joined them. He sat at the arm of the couch, next to Dean and put his arm around his shoulder. Dean wrapped his arm around his waist and kissed Cas' side.

"What are you guys talking about?" Cas asked.

"We were just asking Dean which of you two catches and who pitches in bed." Charlie laughed as she replied.

Cas was confused. What did baseball have anything to do with it? He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head at Dean.

Dean looked at him, turning even more pink and said, "They're talking about our sex life and who bottoms Cas."

Oh. They hadn't had sex yet and pointed that out to Dean which made the elder Winchester even more embarrassed.

Before he could say anything, Charlie said, "So the moaning I've been hearing each night is you guys NOT having sex? I don't wanna be here when you do have sex."

Everyone laughed at that and the rest of the day was spent making fun of each other as they looked forward to dinner.

 **A/N: Hey guys thanks for reading my story :* The next chapter will be dinner and Destiel smut. Also I got the next 5 days off so I might be able to squeeze in 2 chapters. Maybe. I'll try. Promise. Love you all and thank you again.**


	9. Chapter 9

Dean was getting ready for dinner when there was a knock on his door.

"Come in." He called out.

Cas entered his room looking around shyly. He was wearing a white shirt, slacks and a tan trench coat. His hair was messy like always giving him a look like he just had awesome sex. Dean couldn't wait till Cas looked like that because of him.

"Everyone is waiting Dean." He walked to Dean's closet and grabbed the first clothes he could get his hands on for Dean to wear. "Come onn."

Dean grabbed Cas' waist and kissed him against the wall of his room. Cas let out a surprised noise but kissed back with the same intensity as Dean. Dean's hands left Cas' waist and he started to unbuckle his jeans.

Cas' breathing increased as he saw what Dean was doing as he said, "Dean, as much as I'd like this-" off came the jeans and Dean began to pull off his tee shirt- "- we don't have time-" Cas' eyes followed every inch of skin that Dean exposed, painfully slowly- "and we need to go."

Dean chuckled. "Yeah Cas, I know." He said breathily, eyeing Cas' erection as he licked his lips hungrily. "But like you said, if I keep my hands to myself I'll get a reward AFTER dinner. Well guess what babe. I don't wanna wait and instead I'm showing you what you'll be missing out on till later." He winked at Cas as he casually ran his palms down his torso and stuck his thumbs in the waistband of his boxers, pulling them low but not giving Cas a glimpse of the fun parts. "Now wait with the others, I'll be down in a minute." Dean kissed Cas while slightly grinding against his erection, earning a low moan. Dean pulled back and turned around to get dressed.

"Fine Dean. Two can play this game." Cas muttered as he left the room to join the others.

Dinner was a pleasant meal until the food arrived. Dean was just about to have his bite of Tandoori Chicken and Naan bread when a downright pornographic sound escaped Cas' lips. Dean looked up at Cas just as his hand came to rest on Dean's thigh, painfully close to his crotch and he said, "Oh God this is amazing. Jess I'm so glad you weren't in the mood to decline Indian food." Jess smiled politely and looked at Dean with a smirk, knowing very well what Cas was doing to Dean apparently.

The entire dinner was spent teasing each other and touching each other just to get them hot and bothered while the others remained oblivious.

After Cas kept rubbing his thigh, making Dean harder by the second, Dean gave up trying to act nice. If Cas could be a tease so could he. He shuffled his chair closer to Cas and whispered, "If you touch me right now Cas, no touching for you at home." Hah. Tit for tat.

Cas glared at Dean and shifted his seat away from him, concentrating on his food instead. Dean was looking at Cas when Jess cleared her throat. "Dean, Cas, stop with the eye sex please. Go home already, fuck each other senseless before we get home so that we aren't traumatized any longer with your constant teasing. And make sure to get it out of your system by then, I don't want Sam to be mentally scarred. Now off you go." Jess got up and pretty much pushed the two of them towards the exit. Okay so maybe the others weren't that oblivious to their touching.

Dean and Cas entered Baby and shut the doors behind them. Before Dean could start the car, Cas pulled Dean and kissed him, wrapping his arms around his neck. Dean licked Cas' lips looking for invitation and Cas opened his mouth. Dean pushed his tongue is Cas' mouth and pulled Cas closer by his waist. Cas let out a soft moan, pulling Dean back to reality. They had the house to themselves and Dean wanted to make the most of it. "Cas. We're going home. Then I'm going to fuck you senseless." Cas nodded as Dean drove to their house. It was a short ride but all the sexual tension made it seem way longer.

* * *

They got out of the car and into the house without any touches or kisses exchanged. Dean had barely even shut the door before he attacked Cas' lips. Dean pushed Cas against the wall and pinned his hands above his head, putting all his weight against Cas.

Cas nibbled at Dean's bottom lip and slipped his tongue in his mouth, earning a loud moan and a grind against his thigh. He could feel Dean's erection against him through their clothes and he ground back for some much wanted friction against his own dick. Dean groaned into his mouth as their dicks rubbed together and started kissing his jaw. Once his mouth was free Cas took a deep breath and managed a "BED!" before Dean sucked at his pulse point hard. Cas whined at the loss of Dean's weight against him as he pulled back to lead them into Dean's room where Cas was sleeping nowadays. On the way from the door to the room all their clothes came off leaving behind a trail of clothes they will have to pick up later.

Still kissing, Cas felt the back of his knees hit the bed. He fell on the bed, pulling Dean on top of him, as he rubbed his hands on Dean's back. Dean stopped kissing him and began to kiss lower until he took Cas' nipple in his mouth, flicked his tongue over the nub and sucked gently. Cas moaned loudly and Dean did the same to his other nipple.

Cas moaned as he tangled his fingers in Dean's hair and pulled him up for a deep kiss. Suddenly a lubed finger entered his hole. He hadn't even noticed Dean opening the bottle of lube and spreading it on his fingers. GOD Dean felt good. Cas couldn't wait to have his dick inside him. Before this they had only exchanged blowjobs and handjobs. This would be their first time together and as far as Cas was concerned, might be his first time ever. Dean would ne taking his virginity. He couldn't believe his fantasies were coming true. Cas was pulled out of his thoughts by a stroke of Dean's fingers against his prostate and he moaned out loud as he thrust his hips up, onto Dean's fingers. Dean was already fucking him with three of his fingers and he wanted more. "Dean.. Need you.. Fuck me.." Cas managed to say before he moaned again under Dean's ministrations.

"Yeah baby." Dean said as he put on a condom and lubed his dick before lining it up with Cas' hole. Dean leaned forward and nibbled Cas' earlobe. He didn't know his ears would be so sensitive. Damn. He moaned at the sound of Dean's rough voice as he asked, "You ready Cas?" his breath tickled Cas' ear and Cas could only nod his head in permission.

Taking a deep breath Dean pushed his dick inside and slowly went deeper, giving Cas time t8 adjust to the feeling of fullness. Dean felt so good inside him. "Gosh Cas. So tight. You feel so good Cas. Won't last long." Dean's voice was strained and full of lust. Cas knew he wouldn't last long either but he needed Dean to move. He thrust his hips against Dean hoping he got the silent message. Dean did get the message and began to thrust into Cas. After a few thrusts he found Cas' prostate. Cas cried out as he clenched around Dean's dick and a few thrusts later, he felt a heat pooling in his stomach.

"Dean.. I..-" he moaned.

"Come for me baby. I want to see you come." Dean said as he pumped Cas' dick. Cas came hard with a cry and at the same time he felt Dean's dick throbbing inside him. Dean lay down on Cas, ignoring the sticky mess between them and kissed Cas gently. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and started to make nonsense patterns on his back.

After a couple of minutes Dean got up to wipe the mess and discard the condom. He came back to lay with Cas and that was how they fell asleep, wrapped around each other.


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning Dean woke up with Cas wrapped around him like an octopus. Feeling warm and comfortable he didn't want to get up. He looked at Cas. He looked peaceful while sleeping. His head was resting on Dean's shoulder and his mouth was slightly open. Dean turned to face Cas and left a soft kiss on his forehead. Cas' eyebrows wrinkled slightly at the touch and he opened his eyes, blue looking directly into Dean's green. Looking into Cas' eyes it felt like he could see into Dean's soul but Dean didn't break the eye contact. He looked closely into his boyfriend's eyes. They were blue like the ocean and beautiful like the sky. His eyes were very blue without being too blue. He loved the shade of blue and could go for a dive in Cas' ocean eyes.

Just then there was a sharp knock on the door, breaking their stare contest. Sighing, Dean kissed his boyfriend on the lips and went to the door.

"Morning Char." He greeted his roommate. "To what do I owe the morning visit?"

"Ewww Dean. At least wear some clothes. I do not need to see your junk. Save it for your boyfriend." She exclaimed pushing a pile of clothes towards Dean's crotch. He looked down to see he was still undressed from last night. Oops. He took the clothes from Charlie and took them inside, closing the door behind him.

These were the clothes from last night which they apparently had not picked up from outside. Oops again. He kept the clothes on his chair and went to the bed to wake Cas.

Cas had made a burrito of himself, wrapped up in the blankets and looked so peaceful that he felt like an asshole waking him up. He lay down beside his boyfriend and rested his hand around where his waist would be. Cas let out a happy hum as he snuggled closer to Dean and smiled at him.

"Wake up Cas. Everyone is already up waiting for us." Dean said to him in a soft voice, trying to coax him out of bed.

"Don' wanna." Cas whined back.

"C'mon babe. I'll make you pancakes."

"Don' wanna."

"I'll pull off your blankets if you don't get up."

"Don' wanna."

Dean grabbed what seemed like the edge and pulled it suddenly. The blanket rolled out from under Cas and he sat up looking scandalized. Dean couldn't stop the laugh that escaped his mouth at his expression and Cas glared at him like he would smite him with sheer will. Dean leaned and kissed the expression off his boyfriend's face and cooed, "C'mon babe. Get dressed and let's go down before the others come for us."

Cas glared at him once more but got up to get ready. Once they had brushed and dressed, they went down to the kitchen where the others were already there, preparing for breakfast. And by preparing Dean meant they were burning the stuff until he came and rescued the breakfast from Sam.

While he was preparing their breakfast of pancakes Cas came up to him and hugged him from behind, resting his cheek on Dean's back. Dean felt a surge of warmth blossoming in his chest for his boyfriend. They had started talking again just a week ago and been boyfriends for less than that still he was so comfortable around his family. The fact that they were best friends in Cas' last memory seemed irrelevant to mention.

The pancakes were made and set on the table when Jess and Charlie dragged Sam into the room and sat him down on the table to eat. Dean was so busy daydreaming about his boyfriend that he didn't notice them leave. Sam plopped on the seat with Jess and Charlie on each side. The girls looked like they were trying to control their laughter and Sam looked embarrassed as Hell and seemed to find the table right in front of him very interesting.

"What happened Sam?" Jess asked clearly feigning innocence.

"Yeah, Sammy. At least thank your brother for breakfast, Sammy." Charlie chimed in.

Sammy turned even more red in the face and looked at the table with even more interest.

"Thanks Dean." He mumbled before stuffing his face with pancakes.

Dean had no clue what was happening but he knew it had to be a good story so he asked, "What's wrong Sam?"

This caused Sam to look more embarrassed and mumble a 'nothing.'

Dean knew it was not nothing so he asked Jess instead.

"Oh Deanie weenie-" Sam choked on his bite and coughed as he excused himself to get some water. Cas looked after him with concern but apparently the story was more interesting for him too.

"- Last night was a bit stressful for Sam. See, first when we got home you had left the door unlocked. Then we saw the mess you guys had left on the floor. Turns out that when we got to your room to knock and tell you that we had arrived, you guys weren't done and Sam got an eyeful of things he never wanted to see. Nice junk by the way Dean and Cas. So I shut the door and left and Sam has been mentally scarred for the rest of his life."

Dean started to feel blood rise in his body to his cheeks and Cas couldn't stop laughing his ass off. Not literally. Cas had a very very nice ass and Dean didn't want anything to happen to his ass.

Sam chose that moment to return and the mean elder brother in Dean acted instead of the caring elder brother. He turned and kissed Cas as dirty aa he could get and earned a surprised moan from Cas. Dean moaned too and barely heard Sam say, "Guys! Geez. I don't want to be scarred any more."

Cas deepened the kiss as Dean forgot about the audience they had and pressed a palm to Cas' crotch who got up and straddled Dean with a groan.

Suddenly Dean remembered the others and broke the kiss (as much as he was enjoying himself) and looked at Sam with a smirk.

"Fuck you Dean." Sam scolded.

"No Sam. That's my job. And I'm very good at it too so don't try to take it from me." Cas replied with a smug smile as Sam made gagging sounds at them.

* * *

Having scarred Sam enough for the time, Dean and Cas went to their room to take a shower.

By the time he got out, Dean had set up a grill outside. Sam was sitting on a chair nearby with Jess on his lap. Charlie was on another chair nearby and talking to them.

Castiel went and joined Dean, wrapping his arms around the taller man's waist and pressing a kiss to the back of his neck.

"Hmm.. This smells nice Dean. What are you making?" Castiel asked with a pleased hum.

Dean turned his neck to kiss Cas' temple and replied, "I'm making cheeseburgers. I thought you should try some."

Of course. Dean loved cheeseburgers. Castiel wondered why he thought that Dean would make something else in the first place.

He hugged Dean tighter and closed his eyes. He didn't want the moment to end. He was standing with his boyfriend who he also had a teenage crush on. Dean felt strong beneath him and he could feel his muscles move when Dean moved. He never wanted to let Dean go and let out a content sigh. He loved Dean. He was sure of it. He loved Dean and his green eyes and his pudgy tummy and his bowlegs and his freckles and his toned body and his soul and all of him. He loved him but didn't know what to do about it. What do people do about it? They had been together for just a few days and he was sure that was too short a time to tell someone something like that. He would have to talk to Charlie about it.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by Dean's voice. "C'mon honey, you have to let me go so that I can make them." He said with a chuckle.

"Don' wanna." Cas replied with a smirk. He didn't want to let go of his cuddly human teddy bear of a boyfriend and just held him tighter.

Dean full on laughed at this and Cas faked offense as Dean said, "Well, babe. You gotta. I have to make these." Dean bent down and kissed Cas softly.

"Fine. But I get a bite of your cheeseburger." Cas said coming to a compromise.

Dean seemed to consider it for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Okay. You can have a bite."

Cas smiled widely, pleased with himself and hugged Dean again. He was in love. He couldn't believe his luck. He was in love with a gorgeous man who was also his best friend and who looked like he stepped right out of a magazine.

"Come on snuggly bunny. Let's take these to everyone." Dean said.

"Okay, I'll go get the beer. CHARLIE, help me with the beer, will you?" Cas called out as he went inside.

Charlie joined him a moment later in the kitchen and bumped him with her shoulder.

"What's up Cas?"

"What do you mean what's up? I just needed help with the drinks."

"No Cas. I mean you look more..." she trailed off as she looked for the right words.

"Happy?" this was as good a time as any. He could do it.

"Charlie, I need some advice."

"Okay.. What's up?"

"I just had an epiphany and I don't know what to do of it."

"Cas. Dean may not say it, but he loves you too. And if you don't know how to tell him, just do it when you're alone. It's not as big a deal as you're making it to be." Cas gaped at her. How in the ever-loving Hell could she tell? Charlie seemed to know exactly what he was thinking and said, "Oh come on Cas. I'm not blind. I see the heart eyes you two make at each other. You're worse than Sam and Jess. Now quit thinking too much. You have my blessings. Go get 'em tiger. Wait. You already have him. Go and confess your undying love for each other. Now let's go. They will be waiting for us."

With that, Charlie turned and left with half of the beer. Cas gathered the rest of the beer and followed her. When he got outside, Charlie was talking to Jess and Sam while Dean looked utterly confused. "Pay up, bitches. I win."

Sam and Jess turned towards Cas with identical expressions on their faces. While they paid Charlie ten bucks each.

"Really guys? Betting now? What are you teenagers?" Cas said in a flat voice, giving them what could be called a bitchface.

Dean looked even more confused as he looked between the four of them.

Cas decided to bring him up to speed and said, "They were betting on which one of us gets our head out of our ass and realizes stuff. Charlie won and I have to say something to you Dean." Cas shut his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, Dean was looking at him with concern.

"You okay baby?" He asked cupping Cas' face with both his palms.

Cas nodded. "Yeah Dean. I'm fine. I just- I have to say something.. Can we go inside?"

Dean looked at Charlie, Sam and Jess who nodded towards Dean, giving him permission to leave. "Yeah, let's go inside."

Cas grabbed Dean's wrist and dragged him inside and sat him down on the couch. Then he sat and straddled Dean's thigh so that he could look in his eyes.

Dean looked really worried and asked, "Babe? Tell me what happened?"

Before he could think too much, Cas blurted out "I don't want any answer but... IloveyouDean."

"Oh Fuck."


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Okay so I know I was supposed to update a few days ago but I just broke up and it was too overwhelming to be able to do much. But I'm back and I got you a new chapter. Happy reading. Also, a 1000 views guys! Thankyou all so much

"Oh Fuck."

Cas' face fell and Dean could see the hurt on his face. Shit. He didn't mean it that way.

"Shitshitshitshitshit. I didn't mean it that way Cas."

"It's okay Dean. It was stupid of me anyway. Forgive me. I just need to be alone right now. I'll see you later maybe. I just need to go. I can't be here any longer. Yeah. No. I'll just go right now. Sorry Dean. I didn't mean to.. I just. Shit. I'm sorry again." Cas was rambling and with that he left the house, locking the door behind him. What in the ever loving cluster fucking shit was he supposed to do now?

Dean sat there staring at the door for what seemed like forever when Charlie came looking for them. She seemed surprised to see Dean sitting like that and asked, "Dean? What's wrong? Where is Cas? Are you fine? Is he fine? What happened? What did you do Dean Winchester?" the last part in her mother voice.

What was he supposed to say? He was an ass. He was an ass who messed up the best thing to have ever happened to him. He lost the guy who loved him. He lost the guy he loved back. Fuck.

The next thing he knew, he had a lap full of Charlie and Sam and Jess were standing beside him. He had begun to cry because Charlie reached out and wiped a tear off his cheek.

"I lost Cas. He said- he said he loves me and I- I said Oh Fuck. I love him too Char. Shit Char. I fucked up. What will I do? He left Char. What if he never returns?" Dean's heart pained just to even think about it. Thinking about it just made breathing difficult and filled his eyes with painful tears.

"Shhh.. Dean, calm down." Charlie softly spoke to him, cradling his head and rubbing his back. "Tell us what happened, Dean. Then we'll go out to find him. Okay? First talk to us."

Talk. That's what Dean can't do and it is because he is bad at talking that he got in this shit. How was he supposed to talk anyway when his chest felt like it was being crushed by a tank?

He opened his mouth in an attempt to form the words to speak but nothing came out so he snapped it shut. The next time he tried, he managed a sound resembling an animal in distress. He supposed he WAS an animal in distress. The third time he was able to form the words to tell Charlie what happened.

"Cas. He said- he- he said he loves me and I- I fucked up. Fuck. I said- shit- I said Oh Fuck. I fucking said oh fuck when I wanted to say I love him too but I said oh fuck and now he's gone and I fucking lost him again. I pushed him away again. Shit."

He tried to suppress his feelings behind a mental wall but he broke down crying instead. He cried like a baby, years of unshed tears flowing out. The years of pain he felt about pushing Cas away, all came crashing back with those tears. He loved Cas back then and he loved Cas now. Both times he just managed to push the guy away, breaking both their hearts and stomping on them. He felt like someone reached down his throat, ripped out his small intestine and wrapped it around his neck.

 _The first day of high school. Finally. Dean was so excited to FINALLY go to high school. He couldn't wait to go to high school and meet Cas and tell him all the cool things he had done over the past few days since they had met and bitch and whine about how Sammy was only studying and becoming a nerd and how it was unhealthy for him to eat so much rabbit food. High school will be amazing he decided._

 _He was sitting on the bench waiting for Castiel to come when he saw two guys approach him. One was tall with eyes that looked almost yellow. On someone else they might have looked pretty but on him they just looked sinister. The other guy was short with curly-ish hair and a smile so fake that even stuff Made in China looked more realistic._

 _Dean watched them approach him. Yellow Eyes spoke first. "I am Azazel. Az for short. This is Marv-" pointing to the shorter guy. "- And you are?"_

" _Dean"_

" _Well, Dean, welcome to our school. Come on, you can join us, since you seem to have no friends yet." Az talked to him in a weird grating voice._

 _Dean considered the offer, thinking of saying no for a minute when he realized, Cas and he didn't really have many friends. Surely Cas would appreciate Dean making new friends too so they had more people to talk to. He would tell Cas why he left early when he saw him next._

 _Dean had spent the day with Az and Marv, Cas slipping out of his mind till later. Much later._

 _That afternoon when Dean got out of class he saw a group of kids laughing at something obscured by the crowd. Dean wove his way through the crowd and saw Cas standing by his locker. Someone had spray painted the word Faggot on the door and Az and Marv were pushing Cas around._

 _Shit. He couldn't say he was gay too. He would be bullied and he couldn't protect Cas either. However much he loved Cas, he hated to see him get bullied but he couldn't stop Az. He couldn't disappoint his new friends._

 _Shocked he froze in place until Cas' eyes found his. He could see the hurt in them. The hurt, the pain and worse of all, the disappointment. He couldn't even stand up for his best friend. Cas looked even more broken when Dean went and joined Az in his mission to make Cas-the-faggot's life living Hell._

Maybe if Dean hadn't sided with Az, maybe if he stood up for his best friend, they would be together a long time ago. And maybe then, he wouldn't be so scared of losing or hurting Cas again and wouldn't have said Oh Fuck.

* * *

Cas shut the door behind him and began to walk aimlessly, lost in his thoughts.

He had sort of expected Dean to be shocked or not say it back but Dean's reaction shocked him to the core. 'Oh Fuck.' Two words that Cas never expected to hear from Dean when he told him. Hearing Dean say that made Cas feel his blood go cold.

He didn't blame Dean though. He knew it was still too early in their relationship to say the L word. He knew it was too early and he still said it and fucked shit up like the stupid cockwaffle he was. Heh. Cockwaffle. Dean would giggle like a kid if he heard that phrase. Dean had laughed at the ridiculousness of Assbutt and cockwaffle was worse so there was no doubt how he would react.

Thinking of Dean brought a new wave of tears to his eyes making them sting and making his throat constrict with emotion.

Cas walked for a long time with no destination in mind, going wherever his feet took him. After walking for what seemed like an eternity, judging by the pain in his feet, he stopped and looked up to see where he was.

He was in front of his door. And it was open.

It had been almost a week since he had been here and he distinctly remembered shutting it behind him, even if he wasn't sure he locked it.

Someone was still inside. Cas could feel it. Someone was moving around. Slowly, he opened the door and went inside.

"Who's there? This is private property, you can't be here."

"Seriously, Castiel? You've been gone for so long. No texts no calls nothing and then you show up and shoo me out of the house? Great. Just great. When you left, I just assumed you needed space like always. I waited for so long, resisting every urge to call you and now you're back, without explanation, no how are you, no sorry, only a get out. At least y9u could have told me what happened."

A feisty red haired girl came out of what was his room, ranting about how irresponsible he was. Cas didn't recognise her. Maybe she was a roommate? He didn't remember much about someone else's stuff in the house, but then again he hadn't spent all that long here. Cas tilted his head in confusion as he squinted at her as if maybe that would make him remember. But it didn't.

The girl was still going on about something and threw a ring at him.

"What's this?" he asked, his confusion increasing by the second. Whose ring was that and why was she giving it to him?

The girl laughed humourlessly. "Really Castiel? How can you be so difficult to deal with? Ugh. I'm done. I'm done with you and I'm done with us. I want a divorce. You already have the ring, I'll send by the papers in a few days-"

"What divorce? Who's divorce? We are married?" Cas' voice squeaked at the last bit.

"We are married? That's what you fucking ask me? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Hell yes we were married but not now, I-"

"Listen, miss...-"

"Anna. Anna Milton. The least you can do is call me by my name, asshole. God, I hope I never see you again. Bye."

The girl, Anna, left banging the door behind her as Cas stared at her, still in a shock. He was married. To a girl. But he was gay. Never ever in his entire existence been attracted to girls. What the actual fuck.

Wait. If he was married, did he cheat on Dean? Oh shit.

Taking a deep breath, Cas went into his room, looking for something, anything, that would explain his marriage and what was going on with Gabe and why Dean and he fought and who sent him the note. Basically, he was looking for answers.

With a deep breath, he began to search his room. An hour or so later, he found a notebook and when he opened it, he knew it was going to be a long night.


	12. Chapter 12

Dean had to find Cas. He HAD to get him back. He wanted to apologize for everything. For now and for the past.

Dean had seen the look of disappointment on Sam's face when he told them how he had made Cas' life a living hell. He couldn't do it to him again. Tormenting Cas once was one time too many. He wouldn't do it again. He would apologize and bring him back. Only now he had to find him.

Dean had no idea who Cas' friends were. He had no idea how to contact him. He knew what he had to do, he just didn't know how.

Dean grabbed the keys to Baby and set off, leaving behind a very confused trio of people.

Dean sat in the car and started it, and drove. He was a couple of blocks away from his house when he realized he had no idea where Cas lived. He knew basically nothing about his boyfriend. Or ex boyfriend. Or whatever Cas wanted them to be.

God. Why did he have to be so fucked up? Why did he have to be so scared of hurting Cas that he ended up hurting him anyway? Why couldn't he just say I love you too like a normal person instead of freezing up and saying Oh Fuck?

Dean stopped his car and parked in front of some bar. He needed to drink. Entering the bar he realized he was at The Roadhouse. Great. Even in a daze he couldn't escape his family. Just great.

He was about to turn and go out when Ellen spotted him. There was no escaping now. So he put on a strong face and went over to her.

"What's wrong boy? Don't say nothing because it isn't nothing. Is it something to do with your guy?"

Great. Ellen knew. He should have known. The woman knew everything. Of course she would see through his fake smile too. Instead of lying, Dean decided to tell the truth. For once, he decided to indulge in a chick-flick moment. So he talked. He talked about crushing on Cas, he talked about bullying him, he talked about Cas saying I love you. He told her everything that happened. After talking for a long time, longer than all the other times he talked about feelings, combined, he felt sort of better. Of course he still had no idea what to do and who to ask about Cas, but he felt better.

Deciding that he had enough chick flick moments to last a lifetime, he turned to Ellen and said, "How about a cheeseburger right about now?"

"Sure Dean. The greasiest Cheeseburger we have coming right up." Ellen rolled her eyes as she went back to the kitchen to get his cheeseburger.

After eating his burger, and a slice of pie, and another slice of pie, Dean decided it was time to head out and look for Cas. As he was heading out, he bumped into the Asian guy he once saw Cas with at a bar. Not that Dean was stalking him, or specifically looking for him. No. Because he wasn't. He was just at the bar and turned around to see Cas laughing with the guy- Kevin or something.

That was a few years ago, Dean wasn't sure if they even talked anymore. Couldn't hurt to try.

Gathering some courage, Dean went up to Kevin and asked, "Hey, Kevin right? Have you heard from Cas lately? It's just that he left and I can't find him and I was hoping you knew where he was?"

Kevin looked at Dean like he had sprouted a few extra heads and the heads evolved into bodies and the bodies were joined at the shoulders. "You're kidding right dude? You ruined the guy's life in high school. He almost DIED because of you and now you are looking for him like nothing happened? Are you fucking nuts?" he was practically shouting the last part and punched Dean in the face. "Stay away from him Dean Winchester. Let him be happy for once in a long time." He growled as he left Dean gaping after him.

Cas almost dies because of him? Shit. He didn't deserve that. Cas deserved better. He couldn't go back to him. He couldn't do that again. Drink. That's what he needed.

Dean went to a bar nearby in search for alcohol. How could he do that to Cas? How could he have been so blind to what Cas was going through. Dean drank shot after shot of whiskey until he couldn't think straight anymore.

He was hardly aware of what was going on around him. Some girl was flirting with him it seemed. Huh. Maybe he could go home with her. He needed a night of mindless sex before he could think straight about his boyfriend. Some part of his mind knew it was a bad idea but he had had a few drinks too many to get himself to care. He turned on his charm and smiled at the chick, flirting back until he ended up going to her place and fucking her senseless.

* * *

Cas sat there on the floor, staring at the pages for a long time. His journals. He had kept them. He set aside his journals as he looked for other things to help him, yearbooks maybe. Or something. He needed to know what happened. He needed to understand. He had so many unanswered questions.

Why did Dean and he stop talking? What happened to him after Dean and he fought? Who were his friends? Who all did he talk to? Why was he married to a girl, when he knew for a fact that he was 100% gay? He was as straight as a rainbow slinky for crying out loud. Where was Gabe? Why wasn't he replying? What else did Cas miss out on? Relationships? Did he have any? God. So many unanswered questions.

After an eternity of looking and searching, Cas found a few journals, yearbooks and postcards. First the journals. From the start.

...

*First day of high school. I thought it would be amazing when I left home. I thought I'd spend time with Dean. Dean with his beautiful green eyes and freckles and his leather jacket that always smelt like apple pie. But Dean wasn't there. Dean had gone in without me and found new friends. Maybe he finally realized I'm not worth his time. In my first class I sat next to a scrawny Asian guy. Kevin. I think. He was fine but I'd rather be with Dean. I didn't see Dean at lunch and didn't have any classes with him. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. When I was leaving to go home, two guys caught up and pushed me around for being a faggot and being sinful but what hurt was that Dean was with them. Maybe he does actually hate me. Maybe he does thing I'm a freak and I'm disgusting. He's revolted by me too. Maybe it's not worth it.*

Cas started to shake as a sob escaped his lips. Dean. His Dean would never do that. His Dean would never hurt him like that. But he did. Cas couldn't even read the rest of the entry, he couldn't bear to read how he had felt when he was going through that.

Right now, 10 years later, Cas felt his heart constrict in his chest. He could feel the pain in his chest and he felt so emotionally broken that it physically exhausted him. He felt hollow and he could feel the tears trying to form behind his eyes. But he was so hurt and so shocked that he couldn't cry. He knew he wanted to cry but no matter how much he tried to the tears just didn't fall. He sobbed but there were no tears to show the pain.

After a few failed attempts at crying, Cas took the journal and flipped a few pages. The next entry he read was dated a few months after the first day of high school.

*Got to hate Mondays. Why do Mondays have to be so Monday-ish? I still had to go to school today and Dean still hates me. Dean was why I am still here and Dean is why I don't want to leave but Dean is why it is so difficult to leave. They hit me again today. Dean and his friends. I had to skip school to go to the hospital to get patched up. But they don't care. They don't care because they probably get off on my pain. Kev got me my notes but he doesn't get it. Why bother with notes if I'm not going to be around for much longer. Dean will make sure of it.*

Cas read the entry and remembered the time his family harassed him so much that he almost gave up. Killed himself. But Dean was there for him and unknowingly, Dean saved him. Dean had showed up to his place unannounced and if Dean had come even a couple minutes later, Cas was sure he would have been dead. No one knew how close he got to dying. No one knew how Dean saved him.

Thinking about it made Cas feel worse. He felt so weak for being so dependent on Dean.

Cas read the rest of the journal and began to put some of the pieces together.

Gabe had run away from home again. He left Cas a note saying he would be back sometime later but told him not to hold his breath.

Cas had come close to killing himself again by trying to hang himself. Kevin and his mother took him to the hospital and thankfully lied to them about how he got tangled in rope while working on something or the other.

After high school his parents began to pester him about his sexuality and how if he found a suitable girlfriend, he would see his sinful ways and get back on the right track again. That was when Anna came in, he realized. Anna was in one of his classes and they had started to talk. Cas told her about what his family said and she offered to help. Their relationship was easy. They were in a relationship only according to his parents. According to everyone else they were single and were free to date anyone else, just as long as Cas' parents didn't find out. They also got engaged and married for the sake of Cas' parents but they hardly lived together. Anna had wanted to see other guys, straight guys, but being officially married caused a major problem. So they decided to live separately but close by, in case Cas' parents showed up. Anna had been the only constant in his life, the only one who knew everything, about Dean, about his parents, even about how he tried to kill himself. Now he had lost his memory and he had lost Anna and he had lost Dean.

That night, Cas went to a bar and drank. Drank so much that he thought he would end up in an early grave, before heading home with a guy with a hot British accent. He needed one night to cool off before he could cope with his past.


	13. Chapter 13

Dean woke up with a serious headache. Ugh. Why did he think it was a good idea to drink so much? As he became more aware of his surroundings he noticed he was in a bed but it was not his. He was in someone else's bed. Shit. Did they fuck? Shitshitshit. He cheated on Cas? Fuck. He messed up so bad. First high school and now this.

Dean was still coming to his senses when a woman came in, bearing a tray full of food. She brought bacon and grilled cheese and a glass of orange juice.

"Rise and shine sweetheart." She cooed in a purposefully extra cheerful voice.

Ugh.

Something must have shown on his face because she continued to speak almost immediately. "Don't worry Dean. You might have woken up in just your boxers but you and I didn't do anything last night. You were too scared to make things worse with your boyfriend that even when you did get a boner, you just patted your dick and muttered 'down boy, down. Cas isn't here' until it went away. Honestly, I'm not sure if your boyfriend is lucky or not. I mean you didn't have sex with me even when I pretty much flung myself at you and that shows your loyalty but you DID come home with me. Either way, I hope you don't lose him. You're too good for each other."

'Too good for each other my ass' thought Dean. 'I'm worse for him than salt for slugs. I almost killed him and now I lost him again. I couldn't even man up and tell him the truth.'

Dean managed a small smile for her and hoped it didn't look too fake. "Thanks for the breakfast..."

"Anna. My name is Anna."

"Right. Anna. Thanks."

Dean was just about to dig in when his eyes fell upon a picture he hadn't noticed before. Holy crap. This couldn't be true. Dean set aside the tray and went to look closer. Shit. It was true. Nonononono.

The picture was Anna's wedding picture. But along with her, the groom was Cas. His Cas.

"Umm Anna. Please tell me he's not your husband?" panic was seeping into his voice and he was sure Anna could hear it too.

"Who? Cassie? Yeah no. He's my husband. Ex- husband actually. I'm filing for divorce. I was at the bar because of him last night."

"Cas- he- shit." Dean felt his knees go weak and he put out his hand for support. All this time Cas had been married. To a girl. And neither of them had any idea. And now Cas was getting divorced and Dean couldn't help but feel it was all his fault. Not sure if he wanted an answer, he asked "Why are you getting divorced?"

"Well, Cassie is actually gay and we married for the sake of his family. And for the past week or so he hadn't been home and when I went to his place to check on him, his house had been turned upside down. Then when he did turn up, he was all like get out and that I was trespassing. After 5 years of watching the guy I'm in love with go about fucking other guys, it was just too much. I couldn't take it. So yeah, we're getting divorced."

"Cas went home. He would still be there right?"

"Seriously Dean? Out of the story you're worried about Cassie being home? Why do you even care about him anyway? You don't even know him."

Her words weren't meant to be harsh but they stung anyway. It was true. He didn't know the first thing about Cas. He didn't know he had been married. He didn't know all the shit Cas had been through. Heck, he didn't even know what he did or where he lived. Dean felt like a sorry excuse for a boyfriend.

Flustered, Dean mumbled a strangled apology to Anna and exchanged numbers with her to tell her how it went with his boyfriend as he left her house to go look for Cas. He had to find him. He had to find Cas and tell him everything and apologize. Apology won't make it better, nor would Dean expect Cas to forgive him, but it was a start right? He would start off with an apology and then work his way ahead. He would do anything to make it better and he would die before he lost Cas again.

Having made up his mind, he headed home and decided to talk to Char. She always knew what to do. She would help him, he was sure. She would help him get Cas back.

* * *

Cas woke up in a strangely familiar bed. It wasn't his bed. Nor was it Dean's bed. Yet he knew this bed. He knew this room and it made him feel disoriented not knowing who's room this was. He knew it must belong to the sexy Brit he went home with last night but that didn't explain how he knew the room.

"Oh you're awake. Mornin' darlin' I got you the special Hangover Remedy. It'll rid you of your headache in no time at all."

Now that it was morning, Cas could see the Brit clearly. He was a dark blond man with clear blue eyes and his confidence probably made all heads turn when he entered the room.

"The name's Balthazar. Bal for short. From what you told me last night, you probably don't remember me. You and I hooked up on and off over the past few years but we didn't meet until college so you don't remember me."

College. After Bal's little speech, it made much more sense why the room felt familiar. If they hooked up he probably came here more than once. But if they hooked up previously, did they last night too? Shit. He said the last part out loud.

Bal laughed at his expression and said, "We probably would have hooked up but somnophilia is not my thing. You passed out on my lap when we were making out and I had to drag you here so get you to sleep properly. Now come on, finish up the remedy and when you're feeling like talking, come on out and tell me what did Dean do now okay?"

Cas nodded, thankful that Bal didn't expect him to talk so soon after waking up.

About an hour later Cas finally felt good enough to go out and deal with a cheerful Brit. Groaning, he got out of bed and went out to see what Bal was up to. He was sitting on the couch, surfing channels with the volume low so as to not disturb Cas.

Cas quietly went and sat next to Bal. "What all do you already know Bal? What do you know and what do you want to know?"

"Darlin' I know a lot. I know what he did to you in high school. I know how many times you ended up in a hospital because of him, I know how much you love him, I know how many times he came to- I know a lot. I want to know what happened this time."

"He came to what Bal? What did he come to?"

"Nothing Cassie. It's nothing. Now spill."

"Not until you tell me."

"He was there Cassie. Each time his friends bullied you, he came to the hospital to make sure you were fine. He would sit by your bed if you were unconscious and cried. He always left before you woke up. But he always came for you. Each time."

"How do you know?" Cas whispered, knowing that if he talked too loud, he'd fall apart.

"Kevin told Anna who told me."

"They knew? Why didn't they say anything?"

"Because Dean didn't deserve you. His friends hurt you and he watched. Sure he didn't do shit but they hate him nonetheless. And even though he loves you, or did love you then, it didn't make it right."

"Oh."

"What did he do Cassie?"

"We were together. And I like an ass told him I love him and he said Oh Fuck. I finally get together with my crush and he said oh fuck. What the fuck Bal? And then I go home and find out he was a bully and he hid it from me. I thought I'd be happy with him. But no. Everything is ruined." Cas broke down crying. Nothing seemed to be going right in his life. He lost his memory, he lost his best friend, he found out his best friend bullied him and he pretty much ended his relationship. He had hit rock bottom he was sure of it.

Bal was rocking him in his arms as Cas calmed down. After a while, Cas seemed calm enough to be able to talk he bared his soul to Bal and told him all his thoughts, uncensored, without the fear of being judged. He talked about everything and nothing.

Cas talked and Bal listened till Cas was all spent and exhausted. All the talking had helped get his thoughts in order and he felt lighter. He knew what he wanted to do and he knew how. He was going to go to Dean and talk it out. He was going to talk to Dean and tell him everything. Dean would have to explain himself and then Cas would decide what to do about them. But for now, he would go to Dean's place and ask for an explanation.


	14. Chapter 14

By the time Dean got home, he was numb. He didn't think anything and he didn't feel anything. All he did was walk. He walked without registering his surroundings and until he reached home, he didn't notice anything.

When he went in, Charlie was waiting for him on the couch, worry etched on her face. She was toying with her phone while Sam and Jess were talking quietly among themselves. Without even acknowledging them, Dean went up to his room and banged the door behind him. He sat down on his bed and blankly stared at his palms resting on his knees.

He sat there staring at his palms when Charlie came into his room, God knows how long later. He looked up and her and lost it. He broke down and started to cry like a child. Charlie quickly shut the door and came to sit on his lap, wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head towards her.

"Shush Dean. It'll be fine okay? We'll get him back okay? Please... Please don't cry Dean. I hate to see you cry like this. Just... Just please trust me Dean, we'll get him back. I promise." Her voice too cracked at the last part and it made Dean cry harder.

How could she say that? He ruined Cas' life. He ruined everything he ever came across and now he had ruined Cas' life too. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve Cas or Charlie or anyone else for that matter. He did deserve the punch Kevin had thrown at him. He did deserve the pain that accompanied Cas leaving him and he did deserve to suffer for what he put Cas through for all these years.

They sat like that for a long time, Charlie on his lap, comforting him, and Dean wrapped his arms around her waist, burying his head in her shoulder, crying. Finally, after he was all cried out, Dean and Charlie got up. Charlie went out to fix something to eat and Dean went to the bathroom to wash his face and wallow in self pity a bit longer.

Dean washed his face and rested his hands on the side of the sink as he looked at himself in the mirror. He looked horrible. His eyes were red and swollen, his cheeked looked blotched and he looked like he was down with some sort of disease. It did explain how he felt. He felt sick to the stomach. He felt sick and he hated himself. He just wish there was something, ANYTHING, he could do to make it better.

It had been a few months since high school had started, but ever since the first day, Dean and Cas hadn't talked much.

Dean missed his best friend and only ever saw him in between classes or during lunch. Even then Cas never talked to him. Cas would just give him a look and walk away. It hurt Dean to not talk to his best friend anymore but he was also sort of scared of getting in Az or Marv's bad books.

That day was just like the others. Dean was at his locker, going to join his new friends in their after school shenanigans when he heard it. A small whimper. Like a hurt animal. He looked around and saw a crowd had gathered around Az and Marv, chanting something that Dean didn't catch.

Dean wove through the crowd to see who his friends were tormenting this time. When he got to the centre of the unrest, he saw that Az and Marv had cornered Cas. Maybe cornered was a light term. Cas was lying on the ground with his arms around his head and Az and Marv were being total douches and beating him up. Cas' locker had the word faggot spray painted on it in red. He looked back at Cas and saw that Cas had been bleeding.

"Stop. Stop hitting him, I think you've done enough today."

"Yeah. Look Dean's here. Dean will take care of his Damsel in distress no need to worry now. Go ahead Dean. Do your thing Dean." Az taunted him. Dean could feel the blood rising in his body and managed to control his anger. Because being angry won't help.

He silently took Cas to the hospital and stayed there till someone came for him. He knew Cas was too out of it to remember any of this later but he couldn't leave him alone all beaten up in a hospital.

That day, Dean had promised himself he would always be there for Cas when someone hurt him, even if Cas didn't know and every time something had happened that Dean knew of, he always went to see Cas. Now he had hurt Cas and he couldn't be there for him. It hit him like a ton of bricks that he had been the reason for Cas to be hurt again and couldn't do anything about it.

So, instead of living in the past, he decided to do something about it. Grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, he made a list of things to do and got right to it. He had to get Cas back and he was going to do it the Grand way.

Dean was done just moping around and crying. He grabbed his wallet and keys and everything else he would need and headed out to get Cas. He fucked up way too much and he was ready to go to all lengths to make it better. And if nothing else worked, he'd make it even with Cas. Because Cas deserved the best of his behaviour, he deserved much better than Dean had been to him up till now. He had made up his mind. He would make it better or make it even.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: ALMOST 2000 VIEWS GUYS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. This is way better than I expected, thank you so much. Also, to all the Americans out there, you guys can escape there and come to India, even with all the narrow minded people, I'm sure it will be better than Trump. Hang in there guys, it will get better. Take care of yourself and your friends.

Cas was sitting on his couch, moping and pining over Dean, missing him a heck more than he'd care to ever admit. He fucking LOVED Dean with everything he had just to have it thrown back at him with two small words and it hit him hard. Why couldn't' Dean love him back dammit? He knew he had to talk to Dean. He just didn't know if it was a good idea. He had found many homophobic hate letters, which he guessed were from Az and Marv. Cas didn't want Dean to end up at the receiving end of it too, because of him. He was deep in his thoughts when he heard a soft knock.

He had no idea who it could be. He wasn't expecting anyone. Slowly he got up and opened the door, coming face to face with Dean-the-man-of-his-dreams-Winchester. Okay so that was a bit dramatic but Dean was the last person he was expecting to see ever. Dean was the one who didn't love him back. Why was he here now?

"Hey Cas. I just – I wanted to – I think – I – okay here's the thing." Dean took a shaky breath.

"Cas. I'm sorry. I fucked up and I'm sorry. I just. I fucking love you too Cas. I do. I'm just scared okay?"

Dean was pretty much hyperventilating by now. Cas went to him and wrapped his arms around Dean. Dean loved him what could be better than that right? But Cas couldn't get himself to forgive him either. It's not that he didn't want to, he did, just that he couldn't forget the ache in his chest after reading his journals. And to experience it first hand must have been worse. He wanted more than anything t forgive Dean and hold him tight, never letting go, but he couldn't do it just like that.

He held Dean tighter, waiting for him to continue with his side of the story.

"I always loved you Cas. Always. You were always so special to me I can't – I can't even begin to explain to you. I fucked up Cas. I was looking up to the wrong people and I let – I let the right person slip away. I'm so sorry Cas."

There it was. The sorry. Somehow, the sorry made Cas feel worse than before.

"Sorry doesn't cut it Dean." Cas snapped. He could feel the change in Dean's posture. He could hear the hitch in his voice and he could see the hurt on his face when Cas said those words. He wanted to shush him and say sorry and forgive him but he continued. "Dean. I read my journals. Your friends beat me to pulp and you did nothing. Your friends were the reason I was in the hospital for so long and you did nothing. Do you even know what I went through? No. Because you weren't the victim. You were the bully. That's the truth Dean. You were the bully because of whom I almost killed myself. I always felt weak for not being able to go through with it. I always felt weak because I couldn't end up dead, as if it was somehow my fault. You know how I did it? Do you want to know Dean? I tried to hang myself Dean. I wanted to feel the life escape me. I wanted to feel every second of the agony. You know why I didn't die? Let's see. The first time, you came over to apologize for your friends. I was trying to gather the courage to do it when you came. I couldn't do it after that. The second time, I hung myself but Kevin and his mother showed up a bit early for our study date and found me. I always blamed myself because if I didn't take so long to gather the courage, I'd be dead. Two times I tried and both times I lived. I hated myself for it Dean. I hated myself for being so weak and not being able to do it again. I hated myself for falling in love with you, with the wrong guy but there was nothing I could do. You know how I know all this? I wrote fucking journals. If it wasn't for my journals, I would never have known what happened, would I? Would you have told me what happened, Dean? Would you have told me that you were a fucking bully and I was your and your friends' favourite victim? Sure, you didn't directly bully me, but you didn't stand up for me either, did you? Or would you have let me believe that it was some fight you don't remember about after all these years? Because no one forgets bullying their so-called best friend. And no one claims to love them after all that."

He knew he was a bit harsh on Dean, but he had to get this all out. He felt cheated and betrayed. He felt violated and vulnerable. As much as it hurt him to see Dean's expression right now, he had to talk it out, let out al the frustration and anger and confusion.

Suddenly Dean got up.

"You're right Cas. Sorry doesn't cut it. What I put you through is not something small. It's a fucking shitty thing I did. I should have told you too, but I was trying to gather the courage before I told you. I would look in the mirror and tell myself every day that I will tell you, but I couldn't. I didn't want to let you leave me again. I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you left me. And look what I did. I fucked up so bad that you left me anyway. I'm sorry for all I put you through. I'm sorry I lied to you and I'm sorry I didn't stand up to those asshats. And no punishment is enough to make it up to you. No amount of pain can make it better. I can't go back in the past and change what I did, I can't go back and do something differently, but you know what I can do? Make it even. Cas, I'll make it up to you and make it even. I just hope you forgive me some day Cas. I love you and I always fucking will love you. Just give me a day, I'll make it even I promise."

Dean turned around and left, leaving behind a very confused Cas. Make it even? How would Dean make it even? Cas didn't like the sound of that. Cas went through a lot of shit and he didn't like the sound of making it even between them. He didn't want Dean to hurt even a bit. He decided to give him a day, Dean asked for it, but there was an uneasiness in his stomach that wouldn't go away even as he cried himself to sleep that night, waiting for Dean, dreaming of his fantasy of them.


	16. Chapter 16

_Dear Cas._

 _I know saying sorry doesn't cut it. Saying sorry doesn't make things better. Saying sorry doesn't take back what my friends did to you, what I didn't stop. Saying sorry wouldn't make you forgive me. But that doesn't mean I regret it any less. Just because sorry won't make it better doesn't mean I won't wake each morning hating myself any less. I did the worst I could have to you, my best friend, my love. I'm sorry for how I treated you. Baby, I fucked up, I know. I knew it back then when I didn't tell you anything that it will come and bite me in the ass and here we are. I fucking hope you believe me because I sure as Hell never can. Before anything, I just want to explain everything to you._

 _When we first became friends, I realized you were special. I felt about you like I feel about pie. I didn't know what the feeling was because I was young and stupid. Now I am older, still stupid, but I know it was love. When high school started, Marv and Az came to me, I figured that having friends outside of us would be good for both of us, right? I planned on introducing you to them. But then at the end of the day, I saw them pushing you around and I panicked. I told myself that you would understand. That you would get it that I did it so that we could both have more friends and that they will come around to you. We stopped talking less and I told myself that it was because of all the assignments we both had. I was just trying to stall talking to you because I couldn't face you after everything that happened. The silence stretched on and I just pushed you too far. You started hating me, I saw it in your eyes everyday. You hated me and I hated myself for making you hate me. I still do hate myself for doing all that. All I ever did, or didn't do, all I ever wanted was to keep you safe and protect you from those douche nozzles. I thought at that time that I was doing my best. Later when it was too late, I realized how bad I messed up things with my best friend._

 _I know I haven't exactly been honest with you but even now, I'm too much of a coward to say this to your face._

 _I had almost given up on myself because I knew that if I can't maintain a friendship with you, I can't do squat about anything else. Then one night you came knocking at my door. I thought you had forgiven me but you just didn't remember. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to come clean. I just waited for the right time because I needed more courage for it than I have. And then when you said you love me, I panicked. I panicked because you didn't even remember that you're not supposed to love me, that you're supposed to hate me. I froze and never got the chance to tell you that I love you too. But you can't love me Cas. You shouldn't. Not after what I did. Not after how I treated you. Sure I took you to the hospital each time they hurt you, but I didn't do anything to stop it. Sure, I took care of you until someone came by for you, but I didn't protect you. I was too much of a coward to stand up to them. Each time that I waited in the hospital, I told myself that no one will hurt you again, that I will stand up to those assholes and protect you. But each time that they did, I froze and all I could do was stare as they beat you up. Each time I took you to the hospital, I felt like someone was drawing away my life force because it killed me to see you so beaten up because of me._

 _I should have done more. I should have stopped it. But I didn't. And you ended up almost dying because of it. I'm glad you didn't die Cas. Because I fucking love you and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you died, especially if it was because of me and my stupid insecurities. Nothing will take away that pain that I caused. Nothing will take away the fact that you almost died. And I can't but I would if I could, I'd go back and beat my younger self up till my younger self realized what a huge bag of dicks he was. And I know you probably hate me for everything but believe me when I say this, I hate myself more for everything._

 _So here I am, planning to make it up to you. I know no amount of 'I'm sorry's or grand apology gestures will fix what I did. So I'm going to make it up to you by making it even. Now, Charlie or Sam or Jess don't know about this, the only person who knows is you, when you read this. And by the time you read this, I'll have made it even, hopefully, either by myself or with someone's help._

 _You ended up almost dead because of me being a jerk. Now it's my turn. I won't stop till I too end up in the fucking hospital. Because even if by some miracle you do forgive me before that, I won't forgive myself before I too end up almost dead because of myself. I'm going to go to every bar in this town and all the towns near by until someone beats me up so bad that I need to go to the hospital. It's not the brightest idea but it will work._

 _I just want you to know that if I don't make it, that if WE don't make it, I love you. I will always love you, till my last breath. I want you to take care of yourself and Sammy and Charlie. And I hope you can forgive me even if I can't. I love you now and forever._

 _Yours,_

 _Dean._


	17. Chapter 17

Cas read and re read the note so many times that he knew each word by heart. The paper was stained with the tears Dean had shed while writing the note and wet with the fresh tears Cas shed while reading it. Dean, his Dean, was getting all reckless again. Sure Dean had done some pretty reckless things without thinking but this was something different. Dean had thought about this apparently and was still willing to get himself in trouble for him. Dean didn't deserve to be hurt, least of all because of him. He had to do something. He had to talk to Sam. Sam would know what to do. The letter wasn't that old, Dean could still be fine. He could still be safe, not hurt, not in a fight.

He set out to Dean's place despite the late (or early, depending on how you saw it) hour. Cas had found the letter at 2 am and it was now 4. Charlie and Jess would still be asleep but Sam might have woken up by the time he reached there. Sam always woke early and went for a jog before everyone else woke. Or so he had been told.

The past few days had been overwhelming for him. He had lost his memory, only to find out some pretty disturbing stuff from his journals. He was apparently married and now getting divorced (thinking of, he needed to talk to Anna and sort everything out. He didn't want to end up on bad terms with her). His brother was out there somewhere and Cas had no idea how to contact him. He missed his elder brother a lot even though it had only been a few days that he remembered. But what broke his heart the most, what made the past few days most overwhelming was the time spent with Dean. He had been happy only for his world to be turned upside down. He loved Dean only to find out that Dean's friends had bullied him to almost killing himself. Yet he didn't blame Dean. He was pissed, yes. But he had heard Dean's side of the story and kind of understood why Dean did what he did and given some time to calm down, he would have been able to live with it. After all, it was Dean who took him to the hospital, it was Dean who showed up unannounced at his door, saving his life, it was Dean who talked to him after all these years when he showed up at his door in the middle of the night. And it was Dean whose thought made Cas cry harder than before.

Before he knew it, he was knocking at his door. Cas had no idea how long he had been knocking, he had been zoning out a lot, but by the time the door opened, Cas was a mess. He was freezing outside, even though it was summer time. His face was a mess of tears and possibly snot and he couldn't speak properly because of all the crying.

The door was opened by a very sleepy looking Charlie, whose hair looked messier than Cas' looked all the time. But then again, her hair was longer too. Cas was afraid that she would send him away because of what happened between him and Dean but taking one look at him, she wrapped her arms around Cas tightly and pulled him in.

By the time Cas was sitting on the couch, Sam and Jess came down and sat beside him. No one spoke for a while, everyone waiting for Cas to calm down enough to tell them what had happened. Cas was the first one to break the silence.

"Where's Dean?" he asked in a broken voice. GOD, he sounded pathetic but he couldn't care less. he needed to make sure Dean was safe and he was kind of hoping that maybe Dean had come back home instead of hitting every bar in search of a fight.

"He went out to talk to you and hasn't been back since then." Charlie confirmed his fears. His face must have shown something because suddenly a very panicked Sam was crowding him.

"Where's Dean, Cas? You know something, don't you? Where is he?"

Cas couldn't stop the tears even if he had tried and broke down in front of them. He held out the note that Dean had left him and felt someone take it from his hands.

Cas sat sobbing while Charlie read the note out loud, fear evident in her voice, and increasing with every word she read.

By the time Charlie read out the note, he was a mess again and Sam looked pissed.

"Cas, I know Dean loves you and I know that we have known each other since forever but if anything, ANYTHING, happens to my brother because of you, I swear to God, you will wish you never came back." He spat out and stormed out of the room. Cas knew he shouldn't feel bad about Sam's words, that he was just afraid for his brother, but he couldn't help the feeling of nausea that rose in his gut at the anger that Sam held towards him.

Jess muttered a "shit" as she went after Sam to calm him down and make him realize that Cas was every bit as worried about Dean as Sam was and that it wasn't his fault that Dean decided to do something this reckless, while Charlie sat with Cas, hugging him and muttering softly in his ear about how they will find Dean and it will all be fine.

Cas had no idea how he felt about the whole situation. He loved Dean more than anything and Dean was his best friend but at the same time he did feel hurt that Dean hadn't told him the truth right at the beginning. He felt bad that Dean's friends had hurt him but at the same time he felt that it wasn't exactly Dean's fault, Dean had just let the judgement of others could his actions. How many times had Cas done the same thing? Probably a lot more times than he had the memories of. He felt hurt that Dean hadn't stood up for him but that was the past, what hurt more was that Dean lied to his face about what happened, and at the same time he understood Dean's reasons for doing what he did, both in the past as well as now. He wasn't sure how long before he would be fine with what happened or how long before he stopped feeling overwhelmed by those thoughts, but he did know one thing. He loved Dean and wanted him in his life. Despite what Dean had done, Cas was willing to forgive him and hopefully start afresh. But for that Dean needed to be alive and safe and for that he needed to find him.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Jess managed to calm Sam down enough to wring out an apology for Cas and they all set out to search for Dean, all wanting to make sure that Dean was going to be fine and that they will work it out.


	18. Chapter 18

"Sam, I'm sorry about what Dean did. I never meant for him to get himself in trouble or get hurt. I was upset about the fact that he lied to me but I would have forgiven him in a bit. I truly am sorry."

"It's okay Cas. I'm sorry too. I overreacted. I know you would never let him get hurt on purpose. I've known you for so long now, I know how much you care for him. I was just worried about him and I lashed out on you because it was you that he left the note for. I'm sorry."

"Okay guys! Enough with the chick flick moments" Charlie scolded them. "We have a friend slash brother slash future brother in law slash boyfriend to find. Move your asses and let's get going!"

Sure, they had set out in the middle of the night (Or early in the morning, if you will) to search for Dean, but they still had to come up with a plan of action. They couldn't just 'go with it' as Cas had wanted to do, Charlie pointed out. And Cas had to agree, it did make some sense. What Cas had suggested was that they all go and search bar after bar in search for Dean until they finally found him. Charlie came up with a better idea.

"Sam, you and Jess hound the streets and alleyways. Cas and I will look in the bars. And while we look for him separately, keep in contact with each other, CONSTANTLY. Even if you don't find him, keep in contact. And Jess, call all nearby hospitals and ask if Dean came in. I will call his friends and see if someone has seen him tonight. We need to find him and we need to find him fast. C'mon! Don't give me that look. We have to find him before Mr. Stupid does something Stupid. With a capital S."

"Fine!" The three of them exclaimed as they got into the car.

A while later, Sam and Jess dropped off Charlie and Cas at a bar nearby and while Cas looked inside the bar, Charlie decided to start making phone calls.

Cas went inside the seedy looking bar. It was one of the few bars that stayed open all night and closed during the day, so there was a chance of finding Dean here. Unless he went to a bar that closed at night, albeit late, and then got into a fight. In which case, they had more trouble on their hands than they had planned for.

The bar had only a few customers at this hour so it had been easy for Cas to get information from the bartender. She had not seen Dean that night but the bar had been crowded during the night so it was hard to say.

Just to be sure, Cas checked the bathroom, which was empty, and went out the back door to look for Dean. When he didn't find Dean, he went out to find Charlie on the phone with some friend of Dean's.

"Yeah okay, thank you again. Sorry to disturb you. Sleep well. Good night." She hung up the phone and turned to Cas, "So, Benny hasn't heard from Dean in the past few weeks and the Harvelles say they did see him in the beginning of the night but he left before long and haven't seen him since then."

"The Harvelles?" Cas asked. The name sounded familiar but he couldn't place it.

"Yeah. Jo and her mother Ellen-" Oh. Now he remembered. Jo had been their friend in middle school and had a massive crush on Dean at the time. She and Cas bonded over their mutual crushes on Dean and their uncanny ability to tell exactly what the other was thinking. "- own The Roadhouse a few streets away. I think we should go and check it out. Maybe he is still nearby somewhere."

"Okay."

With that they walked to The Roadhouse in silence, worrying about Dean and his well being. Charlie had talked to Sam and told him that they were headed to The Roadhouse and would tell them as soon as they find out something else. Sam and Jess had been unsuccessful so far in their search for Dean and none of the hospitals that they had called yet had any patient by the name Winchester. Cas wasn't sure whether to be relieved or not.

The Roadhouse was close to where Cas had been living so he knew that it would be closed at this time, none of the shops or bars in the neighbourhood ever stayed open after 2 am. Predictably, when they reached there, it was closed, so while Charlie called some more friends, Cas went to the back to look for Dean, both of them getting more worried by the second.

When he Got to the alley behind the bar, he heard someone sobbing and talking. He went closer to find a woman hunched over a body, shaking the body on the ground. A few more steps and his blood ran cold.

"Dean?!" he ran towards his friend'd body. Dean was badly beaten up. His nose was broken and his face was caked with blood. In fact, his entire body was caked with blood. His lips had turned blue and he looked miserable lying there on the ground.

"Castiel?" He turned around at the sound of his name, coming face to face with Anna. The last thing he needed right now was this.

"Anna." he acknowledged her presence. But he had more important matters at hand. "Go out to the front of the bar. There you'll find Charlie. Tell her to come here and tell her Dean is here. And call 911!"

Anna stared back at him with wide, fearful eyes for a moment then ran out to get Charlie.

Cas called Sam and told him that they had found Dean behind The Roadhouse and that an ambulance was on the way to take them to the hospital. San and Jess would meet them there.

Charlie came less than a minute after Cas found Dean but by the time Charlie came to them, he was hysterical. He couldn't lose Dean. Not again. What were the chances that he would lose memories of losing him again? None. He wouldn't lose Dean this time.

By the time they reached the hospital, Cas had calmed down considerably and decided that Anna needed to hear the whole story. Anna deserved an apology because of the way he had treated her. So while Dean was in surgery, Charlie deposited herself in Cas' lap, wrapping her arms around his neck, and Sam and Jess were sitting a few seats away, Jess trying to calm Sam while he worried about his brother, while Cas told Anna the whole story.

"A while ago, I woke in my bed and I had no memory of the past few years-" He began. He told her everything, about how he remembered Dean and hoped Dean would help him, to how he found the journals and found out about their marriage, ending with how Dean promised to make it even with Cas by ending up in the hospital so that he could forgive him and they could be together again. Anna and Cas were in tears by the end of the story and Charlie was rubbing her hand on Cas' back trying to calm him down.

"I'm so sorry, Castiel" Anna began. "I had no idea that you didn't genuinely remember me. Although I AM glad you found someone you're happy with and that our divorce wouldn't be for nothing. I really do hope we can still be friends because you were one of the best friends I had in college and I don't want to lose you."

Before Cas could reply that yes, they could be friends, the doctor who had been operating on Dean came out with news.

"Mr. Winchester?"

"Yeah, that's me." Sam replied.

"Your brother had taken quite a beating last night. If your friend here-" He pointed towards Anna, "- hadn't found him when she did, he might have bled out. He had a few broken ribs one of which punctured his lung and a ruptured spleen but that's nothing to worry about. What is there to worry about is his head injury. His head was hit by something blunt and caused an internal blood clot and damage to the brain. We have operated on him and the operation was successful but we have no idea when he will wake up, if he wakes up. He will be kept on life support for a while and I would like you to sign a few forms before you can see him"

With those words, the doctor left, unaware of the effect they had on Cas. Dean might not wake up. It was all his fault and now Dean might not wake up. He had no idea how long he stood staring in the direction that the doctor went but after a while he was vaguely aware of voices talking behind him and a pair of arms wrapped themselves around his shoulders. Cas leaned into the hug and rested his head on the shoulders attached to the arms. And he cried. He cried like he had never cried before, praying to the God he never believed in that Dean will be fine and that he will wake.


	19. Chapter 19

Cas was at a loss. He had no idea what to do without knowing that Dean will live. He needed Dean like he needed air. Without any further information about him, Cas fell into a trance. He was vaguely aware that Sam and Jess were talking to each other and that Charlie was still sitting besides him with a hand draped around his shoulder.

Cas didn't deserve the kindness. It was because of him that Dean was in the hospital. If Cas never showed up at Dean's place that night, none of this would have happened. If Cas had looked for his journals before going to Dean, he would have known to go to Anna instead. But he didn't do any of that and now because of him Dean was in the hospital fighting for his life. At least he hoped Dean was fighting.

Dean had such a full life ahead of him, filled with laughter and love, and now because of Cas and his stupidity, Dean might not have that.

He turned to Charlie and said as much. He told her and Sam and Jess that he didn't deserve any kindness because it was his fault that they were in the hospital waiting for Dean to wake up. GOD he fucked up the best thing he had and now he lost his best friend, for whom he had fallen years ago.

Charlie looked at him like he was crazy. "Cas are you nuts?!" she screeched. "It is not your fault that this happened to Dean. He is stubborn to a fault and none of us could have stopped him even if er knew of his plans beforehand. It is NOT your fault that he is in the hospital. And like HELL you don't deserve kindness. Dean was your friend as much as mine, if not more. You've known him since way before I have and just because you and he didn't talk any more doesn't mean he didn't care about you. He acted all macho about it like it didn't hurt him what he did but I've known him for a long time and believe me when I say this but he always loved you, even when you guys weren't talking. Dean was crazy about you and he always regretted losing you. You should have seen the look on his face whenever he talked about you! He beat himself up so much about it but whenever you came up, his eyes would go all soft and full of love for you. You deserve kindness and you deserve someone to look after you as much as any of us here because while I am here for just a best friend, you are here for your best friend as well as your boyfriend, your soulmate, if I do say so myself." Charlie was ranting by this time and her face was red with anger. Cas didn't understand how could she be so forgiving about this.

"Cas, I've known you since we were kids. I've known Dean since we were kids. And believe me, he has been in love with you for as long as you have been in love with him. I could see it in the way you looked at each other when we were kids. I always thought you two had a thing going on. What you guys have is as good as what Jess and I have and I can't even begin to imagine a life without her so I can't imagine how hard it is for you, but it is not your fault. I know I said it is, but Cas, it is not your fault. Dean would have done something like this sooner or later, because he is stubborn. Don't beat yourself up because of what he did to himself." Sam was kneeling in front of Cas by this time, tears streaming down his cheeks, begging Cas to understand.

Cas was overwhelmed. He couldn't take it any more. so he got up and left.

He was crying and people were giving him all sorts of looks but he couldn't care less. He needed to get away from Charlie and Sam and Jess. They were too kind and too forgiving. How could they just forgive him so easily, he would never know.

He heard Charlie calling after him but he didn't stop or turn back. He just shouted back to her to leave him alone and ran ahead.

He was out of breath and his side hurt by the time he got to his place. He didn't remember coming here but yet here he was.

He unlocked the door and froze on the spot. His house was trashed. Again. At the wall right in front of the door, 'FAGGOT' was written in blood red paint and all the things were thrown around, glasses shattered, couch up turned and table flipped over. It looked like a war zone. Charlie apparently didn't give up because suddenly he heard her take in a sharp breath and say "Oh fuck."

Damn right. Oh fuck. Nothing else explained the situation better than oh fuck.

It was true, when it rained, it poured. First Dean and now this. He wasn't sure he wanted to see what would come next.

"Okay, Cas. We can fix this. Get to work, we need to set this room right and then call Sammy, He's almost a lawyer, he'll know what to do." With that, Charlie set to work, taking pictures of the room and cleaning it up. Cas was still frozen in place, having no clue what to do. It was a nightmare.

It was Charlie's exclamation that brought him out of his stupor when she found a note.

 _Good to see you again Dear Faggot. Enjoying your time with your little boy toy in the hospital, are you? don't worry, I didn't beat him up too bad. Just enough to give him and you a scare. Although I can't say for my friends. They might have gone a bit overboard. Enjoy waiting for him to wake up and tell on us. IF he wakes up._

 _Lots of love,_

 _You know who_

 _XOXOXO_

It was the same person who had trashed his house the first time. Cas knew it but he didn't know how to prove it.

Suddenly, Cas felt weak and fell to his knees, sobbing, feeling at a loss about what to do. The day just went from bad to worse and didn't seem to be getting any better.


	20. Chapter 20

The next few days were a whirlwind of emotions for Cas. Mostly negative emotions. He felt angry and scared, hanging by a thin thread of hope that everything will be fine

Dean was still unconscious and doctors said he was showing no signs of waking any time soon. Cas was at the hospital all the time while Charlie, Sam and Jess took turns staying with him.

Sam talked to the police about the condition of Cas' house and was positive that the police will catch who it was. Hate crime was pretty common but frowned upon and the police was very co-operative.

Cas had no fixed hours of sleep and fell asleep on the benches outside Dean's room pretty often, exhausted out of his mind.

After a few days of this, on the tenth day since Dean was admitted into the hospital, Anna came to visit him with one of his journals and gave it to him. "Something to keep you sane. To remember how much you love Dean, no matter what happened between you two. You need the strength Castiel and although I'm not taking Dean's side, I want you two to end up together. Read this and remember how you always loved him."

Cas was glad for the support from his friend(? Or was it his wife? Ex wife? He was still confused where they stood)

Cas stayed up till late in the night (or early in the morning) reading his journal. He tucked his knees against his chest as he read, going through all his memories. The journal took him through not only the sad memories about Dean but also through the happier times he spent without Dean, which he remembered nothing about. Cas was still sitting like then, with the journal in his hands, when sleep overtook him and he fell asleep.

...

Green. That's all Cas saw. The green, freckled with golden, of Dean's eyes. The next thing he was aware of was Dean's mouth on his, tongues tangled together and they breathed into each other's mouths.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' waist and pulled him closer, mouth to mouth, chest to chest and erection to straining erection.

Dean's fingers fumbled as he undressed himself, grinding his hips causing their clothed dicks to rub together.

Once all the buttons of his shirt were open, Dean pulled back and chuckled when Cas leaned forward to catch his lips in another kiss.

"Shhh babe. Just sit back and watch. No touching." He whispered in Cas' ear. The feeling of Dean's breath on his ear turned him on even more, if that was even possible. His dick ached against the zipper of his jeans but he made no attempt to get his clothes off. He was too mesmerised by his boyfriend to be able to think of stupid things like that and instead he sat down on the edge of the bed like Dean wanted him to.

Dean moved his hips in a sensual rhythm as he slowly unbuttoned his jeans and pulled down the zipper.

Cas' breath hitched. Dean looked absolutely gorgeous dancing like that in front of him. His shirt was unbuttoned, showing off his perfect chest and perky, dark nipples that Cas loved to suck on. His torso was glistening with sweat and Cas tracked the path of a bead of sweat down his body to his navel and to the small trail of hair that led to Dean's dick

The fly of his jeans was open. Cas could see Dean wasn't wearing any underwear and his dick was straining against his jeans. Ever so slowly, Dean took off his shirt and gracefully threw it on the floor. Then, inch by torturous inch, he pulled down his Jeans until his cock bounced free, slick with precum.

Taking off his jeans, Dean walked towards Cas and didn't stop until his dick was just an inch from Cas' mouth.

Cas looked up and saw Dean's eyes grow darker with lust and he said "God, Cas. Baby... You look so good like this. Looking up at me with those innocent eyes and perfect lips made just for sucking my cock. You like that, don't you? You like to suck my cock like a pro that you are. Those lips wrapped around me. You want it don't you? You want my cock in your mouth."

Cas could do nothing but nod as his breaths became more laboured.

"Do it Cas. Suck my cock."

Cas took Dean's length into his mouth all at once until he felt Dean's head at the back of his throat and his nose nuzzled into the thick bush of hair at the base of Dean's cock. He heard Dean moan loudly as he swallowed around him.

Cas moved his mouth back until only the tip of Dean's dick was on his mouth and sucked, lapping the precum beading at the slit, causing Dean to make another of the many sounds Cas loved so much. He vaguely heard Dean tell him to take out his own dick and touch himself.

At the first touch, Cas moaned around Dean, making him buck his hips further into Cas' mouth. Cas' hand wrapped around Dean's balls and that made him fuck even harder into Cas' waiting mouth.

Cas' fist moved faster and faster around his dick as he felt his balls tightening up.

Just before he came, he heard Dean call his name.

"Cas... Cas!"

For a second his voice became muffled and then became clearer.

"Cas get up!"

He was confused. Why was Dean telling him to get up?

Suddenly Cas woke and realized that it was a dream. He opened his eyes and saw Charlie talking to him. He was glad that his knees were bent up against his chest so that Charlie couldn't see his raging boner.

He looked up at the red haired girl and asked, "What happened?"

"Dean is waking up. Get here fast."

Cas thought of all sorts of unsexy things and his boner was gone in no time as he got up and went into Dean's room, feeling hopeful after so many days, that everything will be fine.


	21. Chapter 21

The first thing Dean noticed when he woke up was the pounding in his head. His head felt like someone made it their job to crawl up inside his brain and try to drill a hole through the brain-y mush. Head aches like that could have meant only one thing. Hangover. With a capital H. Hangover meant that his plan to get beaten up didn't work. Bummer. It wasn't his best plan but it would get him on somewhat equal footing with Cas, he could at least think about forgiving himself for all that he put Cas through all these years. Well, he'd just have to try again that night.

The next thing he noticed was that his body felt stiff as heck and he smelt something strange around him. Something that pinched his nose when he inhaled. Dean tried to open his eyes but they felt too heavy and his arms seemed to be made of lead. Great. He couldn't even pass out somewhere decent. It is only when he tried again to open his eyes, that he heard it. The steady beeping and murmuring of people. Hospital? Did that mean he did it? He didn't know how he felt about getting beaten up. On the one hand he did want exactly this, but on the other hand, what would everyone else say? Sammy and Jess? Charlie or even Cas. Dammit he should have thought this through.

By the time his doctor had checked up on him and left, Dean began to feel horribly annoyed with all the questions about him and his memory and his mental well being. He just drank a bit and passed out after a fight for the love of God. No need for them to be so over caring. He was ranting to himself when the door flew open to reveal a exhausted looking Cas. Shit, there was no way he could look at him in the eye just then.

Cas walked over to him slowly and rose his hand to Dean's cheeks, touching him as if he would shatter any moment. Cas visibly flinched when he snapped at him about not being made of glass or something like that. He still was a bit disoriented from his hangover and didn't know exactly what he was saying.

Just like that, Cas started to cry. Not the where-were-you-all-night-I-was-so-worried cry, but something more on the lines of Oh-thank-fucking-God-you're-awake-I-almost-lost-you-last-night. No way he could be that bad right? It was just a bar fight after all. As he racked his brain trying to remember what happened last night, it hit him like a ton of bricks.

* * *

 _Dean had been drinking most of the night, drowning shot after shot as he tried to get drunk enough on the liquid courage that he could finally get into a fight on purpose. Ellen was looking at him with a glare that could kill, but at the moment, he couldn't bring himself to care much for it. He needed to get beaten up and he needed to make things right with Cas. There was no way he was going home without making amends with Cas. There was no way he was losing him again._

 _By the time it was 2, the bar was closing down and any fights Dean might have tried to start were quickly resolved by Ellen or Jo alike. Why couldn't they just let him fight?_

 _He decided that there was no way he would able to get in a fight when Ellen and Jo were nearby. Well, if he couldn't fight here, he would take the fight somewhere else. With that in mind, Dean left The Roadhouse walking blindly until his feet took him to a dark alley. He had no idea how long he had been walking in his drunken haze. It could have been an hour or it could have been a minute. Either way, he was in a dark alley when someone jumped him._

 _Dean turned in his captor's grip, trying to see who had him when he heard someone speak up right in his ear._

 _"Well well, look who we have here boys. It's Dean I-am-not-gay-but-have-a-crush-on-my-guy-best-friend Winchester. Good to see you after so long Deanie"_

 _That was one voice he never thought he'd hear again._

 _"Az." Dean spat out. "I thought you were caught after beating Marv to death?"_

 _"Hmmm... Well, Dean, you see, I'm still here, so apparently not. But I did rather enjoy beating him up. He wasn't quite a true friend after all, he told you about the time we were going to beat the gay out of your beloved Castiel." He said the name Castiel like it was poison, and that made Dean angrier. Marv might have been a bad guy but he had a conscience unlike Az and when Az decided to beat the gay out of Cas, not caring if he died, Marv told Dean. "Do whatever you want with the information" he had said. So Dean made sure to keep Cas out of trouble and when Az found out what Marv had done, he beat him up for betraying his trust. It hadn't been easy but after that, Dean had made sure to keep Cas safe even if they weren't talking to each other any more. He wouldn't let Az harm him any more._

 _"Yeah? He got beaten for being a nice human, unlike you. Why am I getting beaten up?"_

"You see, our dear Castiel has been talking to you again, making you gay too. And I can't let that happen. Not to you. So I decided that I will beat the gay out of you before you turn gay. Of course, I told Castiel that I am going to beat you up but I can't promise if you'll live through it or not. I don't particularly care about it either. This-" he waved his arms around, gesturing to the whole scene "- is just to scare Castiel away from you."

 _Dean knew he was beat before he could reply, when a trio of guys came up in front of him._

 _Before he knew what was happening, the guys were on him, kicking, punching and knocking the lights out of him while Az held him up._

 _They continued to beat him up for a long while before he passed out. When he came to, a red haired girl who looked eerily familiar was talking to him, he couldn't do much to response and he was pretty out of it but he thought he heard Cas call his name before he passed out again. The next time he woke up was in the hospital just now._

Now, he could finally begin to forgive himself for all that he and Az and Marv did to him.

* * *

Cas was feeling overwhelmed by all the emotions that passed over him. He was relived that Dean was awake and seemed to be fine, if a bit annoyed at the doctors. He felt scared about what Dean went through, but mostly, he felt angry at himself for letting this happen to Dean and at Dean for doing this to himself, when they could have just talked, if Dean would have listened.

But Dean was awake and that's what mattered. Before Cas could say anything, Dean spoke up.

"Az."

Az? what about Az? Cas felt confused and his confusion must have shown on his face because Dean continued, "Az beat me up. He- He said he told you that he beat me up to scare you away from me and keep the gay from getting me-" The notes! It all made sense. Az was sending the notes and Az trashed his house and Az beat Dean up! Cas might have let the first two pass, but laying so much as a finger on Dean? That's what made his blood boil with anger. "- he- he wanted to scare you away from me." Dean told him between wheezes and coughs.

"I'll be right back." He managed to say before he ran out of Dean's room looking for Sam. He told him what Dean had told him and how Az had been the one trashing his house and beat Dean up.

"Shit. I knew I didn't like the guy but this is taking it to a whole new level. Okay you know what? I'm going to the police. We need to get this guy off the streets before he harms anyone else. You stay here with Dean while I talk to Jess and Charlie about what we have to do."

Since the others had already been to see Dean when the doctor was visiting while Cas slept, they decided to take the matter to the police themselves while Dean and Cas talked out their issues.

Cas went back to Dean's room and sat down besides his bed, taking one of Dean's hands in his own.

"You know, I was so scared. We thought we lost you and the doctors didn't know if you'd wake. Az beat you up really bad you know? Broken nose and whatnot. The past few days-" Dean looked shocked as if he didn't know he had been in the hospital for days "- you were here for 10 days by the way. The past few days were Hell for all of us. Not knowing if you'll be fine. I realized something in those days though. I realized that no matter what I went through because of Az and Marv, no matter how many times they put me in the hospital, it was all worth it in the end because I would have you, but I couldn't lose you. I forgave you a long time back Dean Winchester, but now, I forgive them too. Because no matter what they did, it's not worth holding a grudge over as long as I have you. I just want you to know, I love you and no matter what, I'll always forgive you. But please, Dean, don't be too hard on yourself, it's not your fault. Please forgive yourself too."

Dean had tears in his eyes by this point but when he spoke his voice was firm and confident. "Cas, I love you too and I'm sorry that I put you through all that, then as well as now. It will take me some time before I can truly forgive myself. I don't know how you did it so easily but I promise you that I will never let you go through that ever again. I'm sorry I ended up in the hospital for 10 days - Hey! No wonder I'm starving! - but I would do that again as long as it means I get to be with you."

With that Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas full on the lips, committing to memory how Cas felt and tasted against him, never wanting to be away from the guy ever again.


	22. Chapter 22

It was a few more days before Dean was allowed to go home, even then he had Cas, Charlie, Sam and Jess hovering over him like overbearing mother hens, the latter two having taken a few days off from their classes to take care of Dean.

The police had looked into Dean's allegations against Az and it turned out, there had been many other mysterious deaths that Az was responsible for, which basically ended up with Az going to jail for good.

It took a while and some fights for Cas and Dean to sort out their problems, a few months or so. It took even longer and even more fights for both of them to forgive not only each other but also to forgive themselves for what they put the other through.

Cas never did go back to his place, choosing to stay with Dean instead because there was no way he was going to leave now. Not after the last time. Of course having sex with Charlie around was difficult but Charlie being Charlie got herself huge, noise cancelling headphones and blasted loud music through them all the time, making sure to announce her arrival in a room was before she got to the room, just so that Dean and Cas were decently positioned by the time she actually got there.

A few months after the whole debacle, on one wintery morning, Cas and Dean were out shopping for their Christmas presents for everyone when Dean saw it. A simple platinum band engraved with a slim strip of blue the exact same shade like that of Cas' eyes, which was a difficult shade to copy. That's exactly when he knew he had to buy it because there was no way in Hell that it was just a coincidence that the shades of blue matched his boyfriend's (It felt so damn good to say that word, it rolled off his tongue effortlessly and suited Cas like it was meant for him) eyes so perfectly. Excusing himself from Cas, Dean went into the shop to get the ring for his boyfriend while Cas went ahead to order them some food to eat.

Thankfully Dean knew exactly which ring he wanted or else it would have taken more than just an entire eternity to choose the perfect ring for his perfect boyfriend.

The ring he bought was around half a centimetre thick with a strip of blue right in the middle. Dean also got it engraved on the inside with the same blue material.

After eating, when Cas announced that he wanted to buy Dean's gift and all but told him to fuck off, Dean went back to the store to collect the ring. The ring was so beautiful it took his breath away thinking of how it would look on Cas' hand.

With the ring bought and his mind set, all that was left was a plan to actually propose to Cas and hope that he would say yes. He would, right? He did love Dean as much as Dean loved him. But Dean still wasn't sure if he would say yes. That of course got him a lecture from Jess, who had come to visit with Sam for the holidays.

"Dean Winchester, don't you for a second believe that Cas will not say yes when you propose to him! I have seen you two around each other and believe you me, there is no way in Hell that he would say no. You know those not-so-secret-secret looks you give him that are filled with love and so sappily sweet that I feel I will gat diabetes if I look at you for long, when you think no one is looking at you? Those are the exact same looks Castiel gives you when you aren't looking. So don't make me smack you on the back of your head and stop double guessing yourself."

Although Jess was a lot shorter than him, but with her being heavily pregnant and all her hormonal mood swings, she made a terrifyingly intimidating image and there was no way Dean would contradict her. Despite what Charlie said, he did NOT have a death wish.

After a lot of planning and a lot of bribing his friends, a plan began to take place and Dean knew exactly when and how he would propose to Cas. All that was left was for Cas to actually show up and say yes. Which he would. Dean knew he would.

* * *

It was Christmas and Cas was feeling super excited. It was his first Christmas with Dean in a long time (of course it didn't feel like ten years but it was ten years and that just fucked up his mind, he still wasn't used to the lost years). And he still had no idea where Gabe had run off to but he was getting used to the idea that his brother would show up unannounced when he felt like and for a change, Cas felt glad that his brother wasn't here (did that make him a bad brother? Yes. But did he care too much about it? No. Gabe was a big boy who had run off before and who could take care of himself).

Sam and Jess had gotten him a pair of silver cuff links which went great with the shirt Charlie got him. And since tonight they (Okay, not they, just Jess) wanted to celebrate Christmas in a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear those and spray Dean's favourite cologne and look all fancy for the fancy ass restaurant that Jess chose (not that he had much of an option, there was no fucking way he was going to say no to Jess).

All dressed up he went down to join everyone else near the door so that they could leave already. He was feeling hungry as Heck. When he went down, he began to feel under dressed, despite the fact that he was dressed in his best clothes. Charlie, Sam and Jess looked really amazing in their fancy clothes but Dean stole his breath. Dean was wearing a black three-piece suit, waistcoat and the whole deal, with cummerbund and a green tie that matched his eyes exactly and GOD did he look absolutely EXQUISITE. If they weren't in such a hurry, Cas would have jumped Dean right here. Just the thought of it sent shivers down his spine. Forget food, he could eat Dean out right here, feeling Dean pressed against him, writhing and- no. He had to stop. It would not be appropriate to go with everyone with a raging boner.

When Dean saw him arrive, Dean strode up to him and gave him a small pack on the cheek.

"Fuck, Cas. I thought you just looked amazing, you smell amazing too."

Cas felt himself blush and realised that Dean had also sprayed on some cologne. The one that Cas loved the most. Cas told him as much.

"You think I smell amazing? I taste pretty darn good too." Dean replied cockily.

"I would be willing to attest to that." Cas said with a sly smile and a wink. Needless to say, it had the desired effect on Dean as he took in a shaky breath. Cas took his hand and led him to the car which they would be taking to the fancy ass restaurant to eat their fancy ass Christmas dinner looking all fancy assed.

Dinner was fun. Despite being upset (-ish?) about having to dress up all fancy, Cas really enjoyed himself. The food was great and Dean kept looking for reasons to touch him or hold his hand or bump their knees together and it was just amazing.

After dinner, Dean gave the keys to Sam and took Cas' hand and pulled him out.

"Let's go for a walk."

So a walk it was. Dean and Cas walked around for a long time, just holding hands and enjoying the other's company without actually saying much. After a while of walking around and not saying anything, they came to a small park and they went in and sat on the ground. Casa had wrapped his arm around Dean's bicep and was resting his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean's head was on top of Cas' and it was a very peaceful moment when Dean spoke up.

"Castiel, I know we've had our problems in the past, and that we didn't talk for a long time and you know how I love you, right?" Dean took a deep breath and Cas did not like the way he thought the talk was going. Before Cas could say anything, Dean continued, "When we were kids, I always knew I wanted to spend all my time with you, even before I knew I was in love with you. You were always my best friend and the guy I would always turn to. Even when all the shit happened with Az and Marv and all, I still cared about you and hated myself for that. I still do. And I'm sorry for all that. I know I've said all of this before but no matter how many times I say sorry, it will never be enough. So basically what I'm trying to say is that I fucking love you and I never want to be without you again, not even for a second. So yeah. Cas, umm, will you marry me?"

With that Dean took out a ring from his pocket and presented it to Cas. Cas had never thought this day would come. Dean wanted to marry him! After everything, Dean still wanted him and that made him the happiest man ever. There was no fucking way he would say no to Dean, for anything, ever. Cas had no idea how long he just looked at Dean with tears in his eyes but it must have been a long time because Dean began to look panicked and began to rant nervously.

"I know it's to early and that we went through a lot and it's okay if you don't want to. It's just that-"

Cas cut him off with a deep kiss that startled them both and left them both breathless.

"Yes, Dean. I will marry you." Cas replied, tears flowing out of his eyes.

This time Dean kissed him and they just sat there kissing softly and holding on to each other for a long long time.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: Hey guys, sorry it took so long for this chapter, but I was in a bad place and this** **is the best I could do. Please let me know how you feel about it. I'm a bit nervous about the ending, I planned the last line before the rest of the fic, so please tell me if you like it. Happy reading :)**

 **Ps. Thankyou everyone who read, followed, fav'ed and liked the story. Your support means a lot to me :)**

* * *

"Fuck! Cas... Shit! Yeah baby! Just like that... Ungh... Oh God baby! HOLY-!" Dean was this close to coming when he was interrupted by the pattering of feet and pounding of fists on the door. For the third time this week. GODDAMMIT!

Cas removed his mouth from Dean's now rapidly limping cock and began to laugh as their kids called out to him, "DADDYYY! OPEN THE DOOR! WE'RE HUNGRY!"

By that time Cas was shaking with laughter and had tears in his eyes. Dean groaned. "Dammit, Cas. Your kids are such cockblocks."

"Really, Dean? My kids? So, what? They're your kids as long as they're not being naughty?"

Dean pretended to think and gave Cas a shit-eating grin. "Pretty much, yeah."

Cas rolled his eyes fondly as they got dressed and opened the door for the two energy bombs ready to break down the door. Immediately Cas was pounced upon by the kids who climbed upon Cas' shoulders, as it happened every morning, and began to complain about each other.

"Daddy, Charlie said that I wet my bed at night but I didn't she-"

"No daddy, Mary said that she-"

Dean took a moment to take in his family while they bickered, sitting on Cas' shoulders. It had been 6 years since Cas and Dean had gotten married and Charlie had offered to be a surrogate for them, gifting them with two beautiful daughters, Charlene- named after Charlie- and Mary, named after Dean's mother. Now at 4 years old, they were filled with energy and were getting into all sorts of mischief. Dean loved all three of them more than he loved his pie. Or his Baby. Or anything else for that matter.

Through the years, Cas received a few postcards from around the world, from his brother, mostly on his birthday, but had no other form of contact from him. After a while, Cas stopped worrying and focused his energy instead, on his children. Not that Dean was saying anything but he would have loved to give Gabe a piece of his mind, abandoning his brother and whatnot.

With a fond smile, Dean went to the kitchen to make pancakes for everyone. Sam and Jess were about to arrive as well with their son, Mike, who was named after Jess' brother. Mike was a couple of years older than the twins and adored them. They had pans to take the girls out for the day so that Dean and Cas could have some alone time without the girls cockblocking them again and again.

After a messy breakfast of pancakes and syrup (which Cas absolutely insisted made the girls even more hyper, not that Dean minded) and a lazy exchange of handjobs in the shower for Cas and Dean, they were ready for Sam and Jess to show up and take the girls for the day.

Sam and Jess show up not fast enough for Dean and he pretty much shoves them out of the door while they laugh at his eagerness to be alone with Cas. Well, they'd understand it if they had been cockblocked more times than not.

As soon as they left and Dean closed the door behind him, he pounced on Cas, kissing him like it was his last time. Cas' hands came to wrap around Dean's neck. Dean pulled Cas closer by his hips and ground their dicks together with a moan. Suddenly all their clothes seemed too much and Dean dragged Cas to their bedroom to finish off what they started so many times that week.

* * *

 _Some time later, while Cas and Dean lay tangled up in their bed, at a different place, a British man in a black pea coat drawled, "See, Gabe. I told you Feathers and Squirrel will be alright with a bit of work. Now you can leave him alone without worrying."_


End file.
